2006: Isang Pagbabalik-Tanaw

January 8, 2009 at 3:23 pm · Filed under 2006, essay/ personal narrative

Ito na marahil ang huling blog ko sa taong 2006. wala nang mas angkop na entry kundi ang pagbabalik-tanaw sa matatapos na taon. Hindi naman sana maging masyadong mahaba ang pagbabalik-tanaw na ito. Marami pa rin kasi akong babasahin at gagawin para sa pagbubukas ng klase.

Maraming nangyari ngayong taong ito. Nahigitan pa ng Space Shuttle sa Enchanted Kingdom ang taong ito sa dami ng nakakaexcite na mga bagay at pati na rin sa mga biglang pagbaba at pagtaas ng aking sinasakyan. Tulad din ng Space Shuttle, hindi ako iniiwan ng mga kasama ko (para namang pwede nilang piliing umalis sa tabi ko).

OK. Tama na ang pagpapaliguy-ligoy pa.

Marami akong natuklasan ngayong taong ito. Maraming sinabi si God sa akin. Ang 2006 message?

Sensitivity.
Natutunan kong maging mas sensitibo sa mga bagay na nakapalibot sa akin. Laging magkaroon ng bukas na mga mata at tenga, higit sa lahat, isang bukas na puso. Lahat ito ay para makuha kung anong sinasabi ni God sa iba’t ibang pangyayari, lalung-lalo na sa mga pagkakataong mas madaling makita at marinig ang mga negatibong bagay na lalo lamang makapagpapalugmak sa akin at sa ibang tao.

Ngayong taon, binayayaan niya ako nang maraming bagay. Hinayaan niya akong makakilala ng mga taong tila anghel na gumagabay sa akin. Talagang nagpapasalamat ako kay God dahil dito.

Dahil tinuruan (at patuloy na tinuturuan) ako kung paano mas maging sensitibo, naramdaman ko ang mga kamay ni God na gumagalaw at unti-unting sinasagot ang matagal ko nang panalangin. Inihahanda niya rin ako sa malaking plano niya para sa aking buhay.

Ngunit hindi lahat ay masayang istorya ang taong ito. Maraming pagkakataong ako’y napagod, tila sinisipsip sa akin ang lahat ng aking enerhiya. Nagsimula ito noong isang event namin noong Mayo sa Layforce. Matapos ang event na ito, talagang pagud na pagod ako, at tila di na ako naka-recover pa. sunud-sunod na binato ako ng mga oppressions. Pinipilit ko tumayo ulit, pero ilang minuto pa lamang ako nakatayo, biglaan na naman akong madarapa.

Maraming katanungan ang bumalot sa aking pagkatao. Marami sa mga katanungang ito ay hindi pa rin nasasagot. Hinahangad kong masagot ang mga ito upang mas lalo pang lumalim ang aking pananampalataya. Ngayong taong ito, paboritong target ang pangalan ko sa dula noong ika limang HS Con.

Faith.
Siguro, tinatawag ako ni God upang mas maging faithful sa kaniya, tulad ng pagiging faithful ni Gideon noong binawasan nang binawasan ang kaniyang mga tauhang lalaban sa mga Midianites. Maging faithful tulad ni Gideon na kahit mga jars at trumpeta lamang ang kanilang sandata ay nagpatuloy pa rin sa kanilang pakikipaglaban.
Siguro naging (nagiging?) matigas lang ang ulo ko. Stubborn. Oo. Marahil nga.

Ngayong malapit na matapos ang taon, ako’y naglalayong makabalik sa karerang aking sinalihan. Nawa magkaroon ulit ako ng lakas ng loob at tiwala sa sarili na kayang kong gawin ito dahil higit sa lahat, hindi ko naman talaga karera ito, ngunit karera ng Diyos.

I would never doubt myself anymore. Sinabi ko ang linyang ito noon. Pero patuloy ko pa ring ginagawa. Ayaw ko nang kuwestiyonin ang kakayahan ko sapagkat sa bawat pagkuwestiyon ko sa aking sarili, kinukuwestion ko rin ang kakayahan ng gumawa sa akin, si God.

Hinihiling at ipinagdarasal ko lang na nawa’y maisapuso ko talaga lahat ng mga mensahe sa akin ni God sa nakalipas na taon, mula sa aking mga klase, hanggang sa mga commercial na napapanuod ko sa TV.

Mas masaya ang pagsakay sa Space Shuttle kapag walang takot sa aking puso. Kapag walang takot sa aking puso, mananatiling nakabukas ang aking mga mata, mga tenga, at puso sa mga paikut-ikot na galaw nito. Makikita ko ang mga taong kagaya ko, at ang kapaligirang punung-puno ng makukulay na ilaw sa madilim na gabi.

Comments

2006: Sleep Deprivation vs. Starvation

January 8, 2009 at 3:18 pm · Filed under 2006, essay/ personal narrative

October 13

This afternoon, just before I eat my lunch, I was browsing out TV for good shows. I came across a sort of teaser for this show in ETC 2nd Avenue. They said that sleep deprivation will kill us faster than starvation.

On my way home from school, what I watched came into my mind. I wondered, does it work that way all the time? I wondered, will depriving ourselves of resting on God’s love spiritually kill us faster than not being nourished by His Word?

Let me illustrate my point. When we starve, we don’t eat, but we sleep. Oftentimes, we sleep in order for us not to feel hunger. On the other hand, when we deprive ourselves of sleep, we loose sleep (of course!), but we continue to eat and drink.

Likewise, when we starve for God’s Word, we just don’t hear what it was said, but we can rest in His love, assuming we already know Him. Meanwhile, when we deprive ourselves of sleep, we hear His Word but our hearts have somewhat been hardened, so we won’t be convinced and we won’t believe whatever we hear. Thus, we’ll become restless.

Hindi ba’t mas mahirap gisingin ang nagtutulug-tulugan kaysa tulog talaga? (got the connection?) Hindi ba’t mas mahirap turuan ang sarado ang isip kaysa duon sa walang alam?

Oh, I know what’s worse. Being starved and sleep deprived.

Comments

2006: Plastic ID Jackets

January 8, 2009 at 3:18 pm · Filed under 2006, essay/ personal narrative

October 11
“Secretariat Committee for the nth time.” That was what I said after I learned that I would head the secretariat committee for our YFC-CB sector conference together with a brother.

I have been in this committee several times, even if I wasn’t the head, in such conferences. I was also ALWAYS assigned to the registration every assembly, which is also part of the secretariat work.

I asked myself, am I really only for this? I’m getting tired of always doing the same thing. If I’m not careful, it might even loose its meaning. That’s why I asked God to help me see the essence of secretariat committee, to please give me the grace to understand what He wants me to learn.

State of my Heart
During the preparations for the said conference, I experienced being not okay. I was tired of everything – my studies, my service, my family. I was irritated at myself for sometimes having a short temper with my family members. I remember one night when I had a short discussion with my sister. As I was about to sleep, my mom asked why I looked like I was about to cry. “Naiinis ka ba dahil nawalan ka na naman ng kama?” my mom asked me. I said no, and it was nothing. Actually, I was in the verge of crying because I hated myself for being irritated with my sister so fast. I was on a roller coaster ride with my emotions. In short, I was really emotionally unstable.

I was also hurt. My love to this certain person was tested, and put to the limits. That person did, or rather, did not do a certain thing that really hurt me. The relationship was stained, and I couldn’t look at that person in the eyes for a long time because of the barrier that was made.

I couldn’t understand why everything was happening. I developed my stubbornness. I refused to believe in simple truths because I was too tired and these truths weren’t doing anything to replenish my lost “energy”. I regarded them as clichés. Nothing seemed to convince me, but I knew it was because I choose not to be convinced.

What I wanted was to get out of my circle. Imagine a Venn diagram. The big circle is the environment where I live. Inside this circle, there is one circle per area of my life (family, academics, YFC, UPYFC, UP Buklod-Isip, etc.). Then, there is another circle that represents my life, and this circle intersects with all the other circles. What I wanted to do was to get out of the big circle and look at all the rest outside, with the help of another person. And that was what I did.

I texted a priest, one who I really admire because of the wisdom and practicality of his homilies, and asked him when he would be free the following week. We set an appointment. I shared with him all the things that were bothering me. Indeed, he shed another perspective to the things I was bothered about. He made me realize that it doesn’t matter if a person told me or did not tell me things. I realized that what matters was to know what stage our relationship was in, and how to improve on it.

He told me that all the things I said were kalat. They were all over the place. No one and nothing holds them together. He suggested that I might want to ask myself, what was that thread that binds them all together, the center that puts everything in order?

At that moment, I knew what I wanted to say, I knew what should be the thread, the center. I knew it was God. It was Jesus Christ, the love that He gives. But I couldn’t bring myself into saying it aloud since I wanted a more concrete answer — the how. How will i bring these areas of my life together? How will I bring Christ to them? I was having a really hard time doing that, ever since I allowed Him to enter me. However, this attitude, being so unstable, doing and saying things without second thoughts, and then blaming myself right after, hurts my inner self. If I did not stop doing this right away, I would be in danger. Everything would eventually loose their meaning.

Sector Con Preparations
The Monday I talked to the priest was the Monday before our Sector Conference. Naturally, it
was the week where we rushed things, last minute preparations for the big day.

That Friday, I spent the whole night finishing more than 700 ID jackets. Of course I did not do it alone, there was a few of us who were making it. During the wee hours of the night, I was the one who was sealing the plastic. Only the three of us were awake, pushing ourselves to finish what we began. While I was sealing the plastic, the two of them were wiping each plastic to remove the dirt accumulated while it was still being cut. I was working like a robot then. I wasn’t thinking, my hands just moved by itself. I came back to reality when one of them spoke out, “Ang galing. Parang tayo yung plastic, pinupunasan ni God para luminis.”

His statement functioned like a key in the ignition. He started my brain again, and my heart. I searched for meaning in what I was doing, since that was my question ever since I knew I was secretariat.

Indeed, God used the ID jackets to speak to me, to speak to my stubborn self. I realized that the ID jackets are really like us, not just in the aspect of God wiping out our impurities. The process of making the ID jacket describes us.

The purpose of the ID jackets is to contain the ID and the conference kit. Every jacket had the same things inside and the only distinguishing mark each could have was the name of the one wearing it. Everything contains God’s message, with the word Radikal (the title of our conference) with a picture of Christ inside the K. No jacket had more, none had less. Before the ID jacket became an ID jacket, they were part of a very big plastic. The big plastic was then cut into smaller strips, and then cut again to the fit the right size. After that, they were wiped clean, then folded with the help of its contents, and sealed. Once they were sealed, the rest of the contents were placed inside, and the excess plastic was cut off, straightening its edges. Holes would be punched, and the strings attached, then the ID would be ready.

I realized that the contents of the aspects of our lives are the same. They should contain Christ. They may be different because of the names we wrote to it, but still, they are the same. It is He whom we really want to show everyone.

Each aspect undergoes a process, just like each jacket does. In each, we experience a variety of things – happiness, sadness, stress, joy. We struggle. We make wrong decisions and do things not according to God’s will. Sometimes, we question, “If I already let in Christ in my life, then why is this happening?” Let us look at the ID jackets. The kit was placed even before the plastic was sealed. Therefore, it follows that once we recognized Christ in our life, then we would still be folded, sealed, and sometimes, re-sealed. Our edges would still be smoothed out. In other words, we are not yet finished. That particular area of our life is not yet done.

Answer
As I look back at the question posed earlier, the ID jacket answers it. I stick to my first answer, that it is Jesus that should be the thread, the center. We should just allow ourselves for Him to act, humbling ourselves by making the ID design come out more than our name. By humbling ourselves into doing only what pleases Him, in being Radical Christians for Him, by always seeking to know Him more, there would no longer be clichés.

Let me quote from a priest’s homily, “We are people of hope and therefore, we always hope in people. If we forgive a person who has hurt us, we actually mean that we hope in him or her. Forgiveness is giving another chance for someone whom we believe can also change. If we can master our tempers, then we can control anything.”

This part of his homily struck me, most especially for the relationship I mentioned earlier. I realized that the reason behind the uncomfortable feelings when were together ever since the incident was because I have not forgiven him. I have dwelled on the fact too long, and I forgot that it matters only a little. I have forgotten to become a Christian by not truly forgiving.

Another thing that I realized was the reason why I refused to believe certain things, why I regarded them as clichés. It was because I also failed to forgive myself. I marked a bad point on me for not doing my responsibilities well, for not reaching the things that I expect myself to do.

Fr. Paul was just so kind to remind us all during his homily in the conference that we glorify God not only through the victories and accomplishments we have but also with the pains and sufferings we experience. We also glorify God by the way we deal with our sufferings, by being steadfast in His love, by having faith.

He also reminded everyone that it is important that we understand that we should first die before we could live just as Jesus died on the cross before He can resurrect and show how glorious God is. Just like the ID jacket that it first had to go under the hot sealer to be able to hold the ID and kit. To become radicals for Christ means to deny ourselves, to take up our cross, and then we can follow Jesus. However, with cross, we should never forget about its duality.

Comments

2006: The Cross

January 8, 2009 at 3:16 pm · Filed under 2006, essay/ personal narrative

August 3
Jesus said, “Deny yourself, carry your cross, and follow me.” He said this before He was crucified. During that time, the cross was used as a means of execution just like the gas chamber, electric chair, or the most recent lethal injection. So, it is safe to say that our cross is our burden. It symbolizes our problems in this world that we should carry while following Him. Persecutions are part of it.

On the other hand, the cross is also said to be the ultimate sign of God’s love since Jesus died on it, redeeming us from our sins, giving us our salvation.
Is there a conflict?

At first glance, there is. We may ask, how can the cross symbolize both our burdens and the love God gave us? Well, it does.

It simply says that we should not worry in carrying our cross. It would always be present in this physical world, but we should not despair because Jesus have done this before us. He carried His own cross, and was even crucified on it. He brought us salvation through it. He tells us this, to carry our cross, because we said we want to follow Him, and following Him means being like Him. Likewise, being like Him means we would experience the same things He experienced. He carried His cross, so we should too.

On the contrary, there is a major difference between Jesus and us, humans–Sin. He never sinned, though He was tempted, once angry, stressed, grieving, and all other human emotions. He experienced these, as well as carrying a physically heavy cross, so that He knew how He can comfort us in times we are feeling these emotions.

By dying on the cross, He transformed its image from a symbol of death to a symbol of love and of life. Knowing this, we should be able to see the cross then not as our burden, but as a pre-requisite in following Him, just as He told us.

A little reminder for each and everyone of us carrying our crosses is that we do not carry its full weight because Jesus is helping us carry them. However, it will not be light, but in we are asked to fix our eyes on the persona we are following. Just as the line in the song Forever goes, “…You said that all you feel for me is undying love, that You showed me through the cross..”

Comments

2006: Sycamore Tree

January 8, 2009 at 3:15 pm · Filed under 2006, essay/ personal narrative

July 4
“How high does a sycamore grow? If you cut it down, then you’ll never know.” This line from the song Colors of the Wind struck me while the song came to mind. I was riding the last jeep on my way home when like a radio suddenly turned on.

I pondered upon it some time and I remembered the story of Zacchaeus, the tax collector in Luke 19:1-10. Being a short man, he climbed a sycamore tree just to see Jesus as he was passing by Jericho. Jesus saw him and asked him to go down from the tree because he would eat at his house. Zacchaeus used this tree to see Jesus, even though he was a sinner, and he knew little about Jesus. He climbed up high the sycamore tree, which grows up to 60 meters high, just to see the celebrated man.

Without me searching Google, I wouldn’t really know how high the sycamore grows. But really, how can we know if we cut the tree down? No human being of our present time can outlive a sycamore tree for it lives, according to the internet, up to 600 years.

Then, I reflected upon it. I realized, we have our own sycamore trees. These are the things we use, or we do, to see Jesus better. If we cut down these things, if we stopped praying, if we stopped loving people, if we stopped letting ourselves be used by God, then we’ll never really know where out faith will lead us. If we stopped following Christ, stopped imitating Him, then we’ll never see our destination. In the end, all the other people would be crowding in front of us that in our shortness of height, we will fail to see Jesus Christ.

I told myself, I should not stop God’s working in my life. I told myself that I would let Him work in every aspect of my life, and then give back everything through my service, putting Him always on top priority. That means my family, studies, service in YFC, and other endeavors, should revolve around Him and just really do what pleases Him. I guess it pleases Him to climb up high, fighting with its broad leaves and branches, just to have a better view of Jesus. This way, He also has a better view of me.

Comments

2006: Signs and Wonders

January 8, 2009 at 3:14 pm · Filed under 2006, essay/ personal narrative

June 21
God is just really making me more and more amazed because of His personal messages to me. Astig, as in! We just had our meeting for HS High at the CFC Center this evening. In the middle of the meeting, Kuya Dylan gave a short recollection. It was about being a missionary. The last point he made was seeing “signs and wonders” from God.

When I got home, really don’t know what to do, what to think. My heart was praying. I don’t really know what God’s plans are for me. I don’t know what His will is, since that is what I want to choose.

Remembering the talk a while ago, I reached for my notebook inside my bag and opened it on the page where I took down messages of the talk. The verse from our last upper household caught my eye. I wrote down “Deut. 5:32-40.” I wasn’t able to have time to think because it happened so fast. I remembered my Psych 140 professor from our last meeting. One of the things we discussed was the three big names who tried to simplify things. They were Einstein, Marx, and Freud. He asked us what was the common thing between the three of them, and he said that they were all Jews. “And there was another Jew who simplified things.” I smiled, and then whispered, “Jesus.” I didn’t know if he heard me but I saw him look at me. He said, “Jesus. He tried to simplify love…. There is a biblical proof for that! Its in Deuteronomy chapter 4… its somewhere in Deuteronomy 4 and it goes something like ‘Hear, O Israel, there is only one God…'”

Almost instantly, I reached for my bible and opened it in Deuteronomy 5. I looked for verse 32, I found it, but the whole chapter ends in verse 33. I was confused, but my fingers knew better and went back to the previous page and looked for Deut. 4:32-40. It was contained in one subtitle, “Chosen by God.” I read it and my tears was on the verge of falling from my eyes. Deuteronomy chapter four verses thirty two to thirty five contains the ff:

Chosen by God
32Ask of the times past. Inquire from the day when God created man on earth. Ask from one end of the world to the other: Has there ever been anything as extraordinary as this? 33Has anything like this been heard before? Has there ever been a people who remained alive after hearing as you did the voice of the living God from the midst of the fire? 34Never has there been a God who went out to look for a people and take them out to look for a people and take them out from among the other nations by the strength of trials and signs, by wonders and by war, with a firm hand and outstretched arm. Never has there been any deed as tremendous as those done for you by Yahweh in Egypt, which you saw with your own eyes.
35You saw this that you might know that Yahweh is God and that there is no other God besides Him…

Wow! Everything was inter-connected. I confirmed what our verse truly was, and she said that it was really Deut 4:32-40, she just made a mistake last time.

To answer kuya Dylan’s question “When was the last time you were amazed by God?” my answer was today. Tonight. It might not be a victory story in my area of service, but in my class, in my personal life.
God is just re-filling my cup up to the brim so that it can overflow and reach other people.

Comments

2006: truth or Truth?

January 8, 2009 at 3:13 pm · Filed under 2006, essay/ personal narrative

June 20

Again, in my Psych 140 class, our professor did not fail to let me think, to leave something to ponder on.
We discussed the post-modernist and the scientific view of truth. Post-modern says there are many truths, each different from person to person or groups of person to another group, because there is already an attached meaning. On the other hand, science says there is just one big truth, its somewhere out there, and it can be known. In other words, there are general principles that govern us.

Having general principles means things are simplified. Having simple principles will bind everything together. He initially gave us three big names who tried to simplify things. First, Einstein, for his work in the atom. Second, Marx, for simplifying economics. And third, Freud on the unconscious. “What’s the common thing between the three of them?” Nobody knew. I was surprised when he told us what made them similar aside from simplifying things.

“They were all Jews.” I didn’t know that, and I guess no one else in the class did. Jews, he said, have a a tradition of simplifying things. His next question was “and whose the other Jew who tried to make things simple?” I whispered (I didn’t know if he heard me, but he looked at me), “Jesus.”

“Jesus. He tried to simplify love.” Wow. I begin to be amazed by God’s power by the minute. He was using my professor to remind us of things we forget because of the complexity of everyday life. (At this point, he told us that there is a Biblical proof of this and its somewhere in Deuteronomy. It goes something like “Hear O Israel…Our God is one.”)

He also discussed about the hierarchy of the sciences, starting from the basics, down below, and up to the more complex. It has an upward flow. First was Physics and Chemistry. Second is Biology. Third comes the Social Sciences. “That’s why we can use lower animals in our research.” He also shared about the different worlds by Teilhard du Chardin, a French Jesuit scientist. In the same order, from bottom then up, inanimate, animate, mental world, spiritual world, then the Omega Point (which I barely heard what it was because I only remember hearing Jesus Christ).

Maybe we wonder, why does the arrow have to be pointed upwards, and not downwards? Well, he gave us an example. Suppose you have a watch. Then you disassembled it and placed every part in a table in front of you. Would you still have a watch? The answer is no. Why? Because it doesn’t serve its purpose. That’s it! PURPOSE. There are concepts in the upper portion that cannot be used in the things contained in the lower portion. The purpose of concepts found in the upper portion of the hierarchy will disappear if taken to the lower level. By evolution also, our growth should always be upwards, and not downwards.

But there is an exception. They called it analog experiment. They broke down the concept in the upper level so that they can use it in the lower levels. For example, the concept of self-control. Self-control is a choice between good and bad things. But, there is more to it. There is really self-control if we look at the short term and long term consequences. You have to choose between a thing with a positive short term result but has a negative long term result and a thing with a negative short term result but has a positive long term result. Self-control is choosing the second one.

Honestly, I am beginning to like my professor. I learn a lot from him because he lets me discover things (see previous entries) from the things he discuss. I believe he is hiding messages in his lectures that would really boost us in this life if we were able to discover it. Or maybe it is just me making things up but I don’t care. I know they are good because they help me fall in love with God more.
This is just a proof that no one can dictate how discovery will work. ^_^

Comments

2006: Magical Three

January 8, 2009 at 3:11 pm · Filed under 2006, essay/ personal narrative

June 19
Three things struck me today. God was again speaking through my classes. Who would ever expect that you learn about Him, and you enrich your relationship with Him through Geography and Sociology classes?

The first thing has “dare” as the highlighted word. It was Geography class and my professor was discussing the syllabus to us. At the last page, there was a boxed quotation from Seneca (I am yet to discover who he/she is). It goes this way, “It’s not because they are difficult that we don’t dare, it is because we don’t dare that they are difficult.” Dare. It reminds me of Daniel. Dare to be Daniel, dare to stand alone. Dare to have a purpose. Dare to make it known. I also remembered one of YFC’s advocacy, 100% pure lifestyle. Its tag line is “Dare to be.”

Dictionary.com gives three meanings for the word dare. First, To have the courage required for. Second, To challenge (someone) to do something requiring boldness and lastly, To confront or oppose boldly. All of them has a prerequisite-courage to go boldly. Where do we get it from? Nobody else but God.
Right after my Geography class was my Sociology class. My professor is someone who have a high expectations to her students. She wanted her class to always participate, and of course, before we can participate, we should have read about our discussion already. She lectured for a while about UP Students as not being consistent in things that they do. For example, one would do his best to one subject but lets the other sacrifice. So there you are, the second word-“Consistency.”
One of its definitions is “Reliability or uniformity of successive results or events.” In everything, one should be consistent-that we do our best because God deserves the best.

We talked about Sociology as a science. We discussed that the human being’s instincts are being covered by learned behavior. One example is fear. Children rarely have fears because they haven’t learned about it.

So, to complete the magic formula for this day, “fear is a learned behavior.” And that’s very true! The dog has an instinct to swim once you throw it to the water. It would not have a chance to say it is afraid of the deep end part of the pool. But come a human being, once he learned how deep the pool is, he would really hesitate to go in the water, or worse, be swallowed by fear and not go in at all.

I usually compare the swimming pool to God’s love. It is available but not everyone swims in it. One reason is that we are afraid. If we let that fear consume us, we would miss our whole life because we never got to realize how awesome His love for us is. On the other hand, going in the deep end part, for example in an ocean, is a greater challenge. Fear would most probably grip one of our wrists, and stop us from seeing further beauty down there. Also, our fear would prevent the inhabitants of the deep part to see the light that we carry.

Before I go to sleep, I want to leave you these three things: dare, be consistent, and don’t let yourself to be consumed by fear-a learned behavior.

Comments