A Quest
understanding reconstructions in lifeArchive for October, 2009
His promises fulfilled
Reading past letters from friends and loved ones brings me joy. It reminds me of the memories we’ve spent together, and their letters allow me to feel loved by them. Tonight, I uncovered three letters from my God the past two years.
Love letter #1: February 27, 2007:
Refocus the lens of the camera. You have seen the majesty of the bigger picture, my big promise to you. Now, its time to focus on the little details of the scenery. Focus on the little things that make up your previous picture. From them, capture them and look at them. Seek their essence. I am humbling you now, look at the smaller things. I am glorified in the pig picture, but that is easier than glorifying me in small scale pictures that seemed not important for detail. Every little thing I made is important, for your welfare and for my Glory. Focus on the, magnify them, and the big picture will become bigger. I will be glorified more. FOCUS. Stop seeing the party; see the happy smiles of each people dancing. Stop seeing the beautiful farm with a mountain background; see the hard work and perseverance of the farmer. stop seeing the premier state university, see the hard work of every student. Stop seeing the traffic; see the sweat of the driver and every passenger. From the big, go to the small and you will see greater things.
Yes, I was able to see the smaller things in the big picture. However, as time goes by, I made the mistake of forgetting about the big picture, therefore, I failed to see greater things than I saw before.
Love letter #2:September 6, 2007:
Be bolder. That’s what I’ve been telling you since January. Don’t be afraid. I am greater than that fear of rejection you have. Give glory to Me and to Me only in everything that you do, just when they did in the movie (Facing the Giants). With Me, all things are possible. If you’re afraid of what you’re going to hear or see when you become bolder, shut them close, then, open the eyes and ears of your heart. There, you will see me more. Love Me because I love you. I love you with all my heart, and I ask you to Love Me just as I love you. I love you even if you fail, I have not stopped loving you. Yes, you may be small, you may stutter when you speak. But I tell you, open up yourself to Me fully, and everything will come out smoothly. Surrender yourself to me, I am here by your side, never left you since your birth. Scream that you love Me, scream your love for Me! I am whispering in your ear how much I love you. But I am screaming to the whole world that I love you. You know that.
This was bold. Four months after, He spoke again.
Love letter #3: January 25, 2008:
My child, I do love you, and I will love you no matter what. I will give you the grace that you need to enrich your faith in Me and love the way that I love, that is, unconditionally. Life is simple, yes, but man’s free will, my gift to humankind, makes life complicated. But hush my dear child, for in all your complications, you will learn to see more, to yearn for me more, to know my love more, and from there, you would be able to experience the simplicity of life amidst all complications. Just like the painting, you would see its details in the complications, not your details, not anybody else’, not another thing’s details, but my details, and from there, you would just be amazed how they are simply put together in one big picture. I love you, that’s what you should always keep in mind and heart. Maintain your prayer life, you would always hear from me. You are my precious daughter, and I will forever love you.
Yes, life is filled with complications, yet it is simple. The whole year of 2008, and until halfway through 2009, I was submerged in life’s complications. However, through God’s grace, I am experiencing the simplicity amidst all complications. And that is through contentment in His providence and wisdom, that by being faithful to Him, He will give me the gift of understanding life’s complications, then transforming them as simple parts of life.
God spoke to me another time, and I recorded it in my next journal. But I won’t place it here in this article. After these written messages, the Lord spoke to me in a different manner. Maybe because it was then when I started forgetting the big picture. It was then that I became bold, not of proclaiming His love to the world, but becoming bold in getting knowledge that is not of His. It was when I plunged in the complications of life, and if it had not been for Him as well, it would be where I would be drowning.
My Lord has remained faithful to me. He has kept His promise. He showed me the big picture again. He placed me around His arms and whispered again in my ear how much He loves me. I failed him, yet His love never changes. Because of this, I relearned how to drink in His cup and be satisfied in who He is and what He’s done for me.
I am His precious daughter, and I will forever love my Father.
***
4 Show me your ways, O LORD,
teach me your paths;
5 guide me in your truth and teach me,
for you are God my Savior,
and my hope is in you all day long
Psalm 25:3-4
Why? Bakit?
Why? Bakit?
Ito marahil ang tanong na pinakamahirap sagutin. Sa kasalukuyan, hindi ko pa rin nasasagot ang tanong ko sa sarili na nagsisimula sa “bakit.” Pati ang ilang mga kakilala ay nagtatanong ng kaparehong tanong.
Matapos ang bagyong Ondoy, ang mga Pilipino ay nagtulung-tulong upang maibangong muli ang mga kababayang nasalanta. Kahit iyong mga nasalanta na rin, hindi pinalampas ang pagkakataong makatulong. Maraming mga puso ang nag-apoy at naging volunteers sa iba’t ibang paraan. Maraming tumulong sa pag-rerepack, ang iba nama’y tumulong maglinis. Iyong mga mas may kaya sa buhay ay siyang namahagi ng mga relief goods na irerepack at saka ipapamahagi. Maraming oportunidad, subalit patuloy na umiiral ang tanong sa sarili ko: bakit nananatili ako dito sa loob ng bahay habang ang karamihan sa mga tao ay nasa labas na’t nag-boluntaryo.
Lagi akong nakatutok sa balita. Palipat-lipat ng channel sa TV para lamang makakita ng pwedeng bagong impormasyon tungkol sa aking mga kababayan. Nakatutok ako sa kahong ito lalo na noong hindi pa bumabalik ang internet. Nararamdaman kong natutunaw ang aking puso sa mga nakikita ko at nararamdaman ko ring umiinit ang aking puwit dahil hindi ko kinakayang maupo na lang sa bahay. Ngunit hindi ito naging sapat upang ako’y lumabas at magbahagi ng oras at kamay. Bakit?
Noong una, upang hindi masira ang imahe ko ng sarili, ginawa kong dahilan ang layo ng mga alam kong maaari kong tulungan, halos lahat ay nasa QC. Noong sinabi ko sa sarili ang Red Cross sa Kapitolyo, sabi ko naman sa sarili, “maputik pa rin ang labas, hindi ko alam kung may masasakyan na’ko (walang masakyan si kuya papasok ng opisina), baha pa rin kasi sa dulo ng street namin.”
Inisip ko rin, gusto kong maranasan mag-debrief ng mga tao. Bahagi ito ng kurso ko sa kolehiyo, at mararamdaman kong ako’y tunay na nakatulong dahil nagagamit ko ang aking napag-aralan. Ngunit alam ko na nga ba talaga kung paano mag-debrief? Inisip kong sa ganitong paraan ko gustong tumulong. Marami nang nag-rerepack. Pang-lalaki ang pag-lilinis (at kung dito nga sa bahay di ako nakatulong sa pag-lilinis, sa iba pa kaya?). Ito ang para sa akin, maghahanap ako ng ganito. May nakita akong post sa Facebook ng isa sa aking mga propesor. Napag-alaman kong ang minobilize nila para sa debriefing ay mga propesor din at mga grad students. Naisip ko, baka kasi wala pa talaga akong kakayahan upang sa ganitong paraan makatulong. May nakita rin ako sa isang page sa Facebook din na ni-repost na mensahe galing sa isang propesor sa Psych ng DLSU. Nanawagan sila ng mga maaaring counselors para mag-debrief, may training sa sabado. Tinanong ko kung anong mga kwalipikasyon, wala na akong nakuhang sagot. Marahil ay di rin niya alam. Dapat ay kinuha ko ang numero at ako ang tumawag at nagtanong.
Lahat ito’y umiiral sa aking isipan. Mga tunay na nakayayamot na kadahilanan upang manatili sa bahay.
Baka naman umiiral dito ang karakter na “di nagpapadala sa agos.” Ako kasi iyong tipo ng tao na kapag sikat ang isang bagay, hindi ko ipipilit ang sarili upang magustuhan at gawin ang ginagawa ng ibang tao. Matagal na akong volunteer. Nag-vovolunteer ako kahit onti lang ang mga taong gumagawa nito, abala ako sa pag-tulong habang ang iba’y nagpapakasaya sa mga luho. Ngayon, halos lahat ng tao volunteer, kaya sa susunod na lang siguro.
Kung ganito nga ang sitwasyon, e di pinatunayan ko lang na makasarili ako. Mahal na mahal ko ang aking sarili na hindi ko kayang umalis sa aking comfort zone nang mag-isa. Makasarili pa rin ako dahil ang pagtulong ay daan patungong ibang bagay (sa pagkakataong ito, career experience) at hindi pagtulong bilang pagtulong. Iba ang pag-dama kaysa pag-gawa. Ni hindi ko nga nasagot ang tanong ng isang kaibigan: What’s keeping you busy? Wala akong maisasagot dito.
Makasarili pa rin pala ako. Ngayon, namulat na ang aking mga mata at sana’y mabawasan ko ito hanggang tuluyan na itong mawala.
A Quest 