Hi Dr. Ili. I pray that everything goes well with your move. Thank you for your blog today (on Letting Go). This particular piece has a profound impact on me. I think it’s what I needed to read at this point in my life.
Let me introduce myself. I am a Filipino, working as a school counselor here in the Philippines. I am yet to earn my master’s degree, hopefully, I get to graduate by 2nd semester (May 2019) and march next graduation (June 2019). I am in my 2nd year of doing my thesis. My first year of thesis writing was a drag because I had a hard time finding the energy to write when I am exhausted on my full day’s work in a school (I also teach one subject, equivalent to 4 hours per week). I just completed my outline defense last June, and now on my data-gathering stage. Now, the school year (where I work) has started again, and I am again having difficulty allotting energy for my thesis. But I must persist because I want to reach my graduation goal. I am also a member of the Philippine Chapter of Chi Sigma Iota (I’m not sure if you’re familiar with it).
Anyway, I joined your mailing list right when you were having the Get Refreshed Challenged (I think in 2016?). At that time, I was still taking coursework in graduate school, and it was also my first year as head of our department, handling not only my set of students, but also two other counselors (I can’t legally say guidance counselor, but for the sake of this conversation, let’s use that). The “Balance vs. Flow” concept really helped me re-imagine how I handle work-school-home (I’m married, though no children yet). I shared the content and reflection points to them during our weekly lunch meetings. All I can say is that it helped us (Thank you!). I would have wanted to avail of the paid network, but it’s not on our budget, especially because our Peso is becoming weaker against the Dollar over the years.
Your blog and Facebook group have been a companion in my journey, even if I’m not active in the group discussions (except in one instance). So, back to your blog on “letting go,” it has a profound impact on me today because, for quite some time, I have decided that this school year is going to be my last year in this job that I have. I need to let it go and find a part-time teaching job at a college, and then build my own consultancy and training firm with a few colleagues. It’s a daunting idea because I will be leaving my comfort zone for something unfamiliar. This is also the reason why I wanted to graduate by June next year.
But letting go has another meaning for me. Last February, one of our students jumped off from the 5F of our building. He died hours after in the hospital due to internal bleeding. There are circumstances surrounding the incident. At that time, I was in my class (remember I mentioned I also teach). He was at the level that I was handling, I was their counselor. I have seen him a couple of times, but suicidal intentions were never brought up, I was blindsided by it, he was not on my watch list (and last school year, there were a bunch of students on that watch list). After it happened, we had to make sure that there was no contagion effect. The top management brought in a team of Psychiatrists from the nearest private hospital, and then got handed the job of coordinating with them and seeing through the steps that they had talked about. There were talks, and group discussions especially to those who were closest to the student, as well as to the teachers plus responding nurses to the incident. It was weeks after before I was able to cry because I still had to have the strength to comfort the students. I thought going to the wake will help me grieve, but it didn’t because there were students and parents who look to me for emotional support. At that time, I was on autopilot. I have learned to be comfortable with the unanswered questions, and live with reality. School was out in mid-April, and I was able to focus my energy on writing my thesis proposal. Now, school has started last July and the grieving again comes in waves. I am starting to feel scared. I’m scared of not spotting problem areas, self-doubt is creeping in, leading to feelings of inadequacy. I’ve learned that these are normal emotions for “clinician survivors.” But I acknowledge that I had to go through the process of grieving and healing. When I’m processing with myself, there were a lot of “I knows” that I jump to the supposed outcome without undergoing the process because of “I know.” Does that make sense? After the incident, I talked to my thesis adviser, and she encouraged me to talk to my counselor. I had another professor whom I can talk about life matters but I don’t want to talk to her about this because she herself is battling cancer. I talked to my church leaders, and some of the things they said helped, talking helped a bit, but there’s still something lacking. I tried reconnecting with my previous counselor, but she’s in a different country. Friends – we can’t find the right schedule. I actually considered paying for a therapist, but again, financial constraints are stopping me. Yesterday, I was able to talk to a friend about it, and she was able to pinpoint something –that somehow, I blame myself for not spotting the problem and that I need to forgive myself for that. I need to let it go.
I am still in the process of letting it go because I tend to put it in the closet so I can do what needs to be done at work. But a part of me tells me that I am doing a disservice to my students (my clients) if I don’t deal with this head-on.
Anyway, I think that’s it. It has been a long letter, but in the end, I just want to say how I appreciate this community. Thank you. 
A Quest 
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