A Quest
understanding reconstructions in lifeArchive for December, 2009
“Trust and Obey Me!”
John 15 talks about Jesus as the true vine. Jesus teaches us to abide in Him and He will abide in us, making us bear fruit. God the Father is the gardener who prunes the vine that it may bear much fruit.
This illustration of Jesus captures what He wants me to do this coming 2010. The whole year would all be about trust and obedience as I follow Him. His voice is clear, “Karla, TRUST and OBEY Me.” As Jesus said in verses 9-10 (NKJV), “9As the Father loved Me, I also have loved you; abide in My love. 10 If you keep My commandments, you will abide in My love, just as I have kept My Father’s commandments and abide in His love.”
Select passages from Psalm 119 (TEV) encapsulate my prayer for this coming year:
2 Happy are those who follow his commands, who obey him with all their heart.
4 Lord, you have given us your laws and told us to obey them faithfully.
5 How I hope that I shall be faithful in keeping your instructions!
9 How can young people keep their lives pure? By obeying your commands.
10 With all my heart I try to serve you; keep me from disobeying my commandments.
11 I keep your law in my heart, so that I will not sin against you.
12 I praise you, O Lord; teach me your ways.
13 I will repeat aloud all the laws you have given.
14 I delight in following your commands more than in having great wealth.
15 I study your instructions; I examine your teachings.
16 I take pleasure in your laws; your commands I will not forget.
17 Be good to me, your servant, so that I may live and obey your teachings.
18 Open my eyes, so that I may see the wonderful truths in your law.
19 I am here on earth for just a little while; do not hide your commands from me.
20 My heart aches with longing; I want to know your judgments at all times.
24 Your instructions give me pleasure; they are my advisers.
25 I lie defeated in the dust; revive me, as you have promised.
26 I confessed all I have done, and you answered me; teach me your ways.
27 Help me to understand your laws, and I will meditate on your wonderful teachings.
30 I have chosen to be obedient; I have paid attention to your judgments.
32 I will eagerly obey your commands, because you will give me more understanding.
33 Teach me, Lord, the meaning of your laws, and I will obey them at all times.
34 Explain your law to me, and I will obey it; I will keep it with all my heart.
35 Keep me obedient to your commandments, because in them I find happiness.
43 Enable me to speak the truth at all times, because my hope is in your judgments.
44 I will always obey your laws forever and ever.
45 I will live in perfect freedom, because I try to obey your teachings.
47 I find pleasure in obeying your commands, because I love them.
48 I respect and love your commandments; I will meditate on your instructions.
55 I the night I remember you, Lord, and think about your Law.
56 I find my happiness in obeying your commands.
57 You are all I want, O Lord; I promise to obey your laws.
58 I ask you with all my heart to have mercy on me, as you have promised!
59 I have considered my conduct, and I promise to follow your instructions.
60 Without any delay I hurry to obey your commands.
64 Lord, The earth is full of your constant love; teach me your commandments.
65 You have kept your promise, Lord, and you are good to me your servant.
66 Give me wisdom and knowledge, because I trust in your commands.
68 How good you are–how kind! Teach me your commands.
73 You created me, and you keep me safe; give me understanding so that I may learn your laws.
76 Let your constant love comfort me, as you have promised me, your servant.
77 Have mercy on my, and I will live because I take pleasure in your law.
80 May I perfectly obey your commandments and be spared the shame of defeat.
89 Your word, O Lord, will last forever; it is eternal in heaven.
90 Your faithfulness endures through all the ages; you have set the earth in place and it remains.
101 I have avoided all evil conduct, because I want to obey your word.
102 I have not neglected your instructions, because you yourself are my teacher.
103 How sweet is the taste of your instructions–sweeter even than honey!
105 Your word is a lamp to guide me and a light for my path.
106 I will keep my solemn promise to obey your just instructions.
108 Accept my prayer of thanks, O Lord, and teach me your commands.
111 Your commandments are my eternal possession; they are the joy of my heart.
112 I have decided to obey your laws until the day I die.
117 Hold me, and I will be safe, and I will always pay attention to your commands.
124 Treat me according to your constant love, and teach me your commands.
125 I am your servant; give me understanding, so that I may know your teachings.
129 Your teachings are wonderful; I obey them with all my heart.
130 The explanation of your teachings gives light and brings wisdom to the ignorant.
131 In my desire for your commands I pant with open mouth.
132 Turn to me and have mercy on me as you do on all those who love you.
133 As you have promised, keep me from falling; don’t let me be overcome by evil.
140 How certain your promise is! How I love it!
141 I am unimportant and despised, but I do not neglect your teachings.
142 Your righteousness will last forever, and your law is always true.
143 I am filled with trouble and anxiety, but your commandments bring me joy.
144 Your instructions are always just; give me understanding, and I shall live.
145 With all my heart I call to you; answer me, Lord, and I will obey your commands!
Indeed, I am praying for God’s mercy in order to be obedient for Paul says, “For God has made all people prisoners of disobedience, so that he might show mercy to them all” (Romans 11:32, TEV).
On the other hand, Psalm 119 also speaks prays for deliverance from the sufferings one gets from obeying God’s commands. I know someone whose obedience to the Lord was his period of darkness. Because of this, I cannot help but be nervous about what God would want me to do this coming year. Pruning will definitely come. Questions flood my mind, but I must stay focused on Him, and trust in His wisdom completely–the wisdom that no man can ever fathom.
As I follow Jesus this 2010, I will understand more of my faith, and I do trust in my merciful God that He would grant me understanding for all those things He wanted me to understand. I also pray for patience for the things I cannot understand yet. In the process, I will know Jesus more, and in knowing Him more, I will be able to love Him more. To serve Him is my act of obedience to His commands. His commands are these: To love one God with all my heart, my mind, my soul, and my strength; and to love my neighbors not only as myself, but to love them as He has loved me. Obedience cannot be taken out of this love, for when love is taken away, the result would be similar to how the Pharisees acted during Jesus’ time.
In the end, the result will be great joy. Jesus had taught me to remain in His love, so that His joy may be in me and that my joy may be complete. Because of this I can say, God’s commandments are my eternal possession, they are the joy of my heart.
The Death of 2009
My Resurrection
Today is the last day of 2009. In a matter of hours, the countdown for the new year will begin. Hours before that, the streets are going to be noisy and be full of smoke from the different firecrackers that people light up. But before everything becomes too noisy, I am taking this time of silence to look back at how 2009 has been a blessing for me.
At the start of the year, God said that this year, a lot of changes would happen–changes that I would be initiating, and changes that I would adjust to. This year, also, I somehow developed an “obsession” about death. I have kept a list of significant deaths for the year, a list that friends question me for keeping it. I started the list because their deaths teach me something, and I have believed that at the end of the year, God will reveal the bigger picture on this death obsession. Today is the end of the year, and He has indeed taught me a lot of things concerning death.
Here is a review of my list (for the first five, I’ll only mention their name since I have written about them here):
1. Nicky Besa.
2. Monique Angeles.
3. Amiel Alcantara.
4. Francis Magalona.
5. Lei Claudel.
6. Trina Etong, a controversial death, maybe suicide. The living is deeply affected by the death of a loved one. Media complicates things.
7. Jojo Datangan, 17 years old, fought leukemia at an early age.
8. Liberty Liwanag, my HS classmate’s mom. The first time I heard it on the news I hoped that it had not been my classmate’s mom. But she was.
9. Michael Jackson, a famous star who was never content of who he was.
10. Tara Santileces, a holdup victim who was in comatose and then out of coma, fought for her life.
11. Tito Ed Roque, a former coordinator in YFC.
12. Cory Aquino, a heroic icon for Filipinos.
13. the hundreds of lives claimed by nature through Ondoy, Pepeng, the tsunami and earthquake.
14. Maguindanao Massacre victims.
Listing down significant deaths for the year has taught me to make every day of my life count. It has taught me forgiveness, especially for those victims of murder. Above all, it has taught me that life here on earth is very, very short. What matters most is eternal life. In the process, I have asked myself questions like “How would I want to be remembered?” and “What will people say in my eulogy?” But the Lord redirected my gaze from what I will be leaving to what is waiting for me. My question turned to a challenge: Live your life offered to the Lord so that when the time comes, He will be able to tell you, “Well done my good and faithful servant.”
From physical death, He showed me another kind of death–the death to sin, death to self. He reminded me of His conditions on following Him–to deny myself and take up my cross daily. He gave me His mercy that my sins were exposed and repent from them; He showered me with His graces that’s why I can take up my cross daily. He used all of my experiences (ex. when my laptop crashed) to tell me that in Him, I am a new creation–this is my resurrection. He reminded me of my identity–His daughter. I have returned home, and accepted His gifts of joy and peace.
I am ever grateful for this year. The song that captures my 2009 is an old song, yet very beautiful. It is what Jesus said to the woman caught in adultery in John 8:11, “Go and sin no more” (NLT).
Just as 2009 was ending and just when I thought I have seen the big picture about death, He simplified things more for me. Moses prayed in Psalm 90:12, “So teach us to number our days, That we may gain a heart of wisdom.” (NKJV). The Lord was teaching me to count my days here on earth, and in the process, I am gaining wisdom. For James tells us, “What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes” (James 4:14, NIV).
Today is the last day of 2009. I have learned and re-learned a lot of things, God spoke to me loud and clear. But I pray what Paul said to the church in Philippians, “12 I do not mean that I am already as God wants me to be. I have not yet reached that goal, but I continue trying to reach it and to make it mine. Christ wants me to do that, which is the reason he made me his.13 Brothers and sisters, I know that I have not yet reached that goal, but there is one thing I always do. Forgetting the past and straining toward what is ahead,14 I keep trying to reach the goal and get the prize for which God called me through Christ to the life above.” (Philippians 3:12-14, NCV)
The Dream
This morning, I woke up with a question in my mind. Why? Why was my dream like that?
***
Update: From “To Live is Christ” by Beth Moore
(I studied Day 5 of Week 1 after I posted what I wrote)
“It’s strange, isn’t it? The very thing He finished we can’t seem to leave alone; and the very thing He hasn’t finished, we try to halt. The work of Calvary is finished. No more payment for sin is necessary. He did it all by Himself on the Cross. We can’t earn it. We can’t add to it. It is finished. Yet we try to add our good works to His Salvation.
“However, the work He is doing on everyone who has accepted Christ as Savior is not finished. Salvation is finished. Sanctification is not. Completion is not. Philippians 1:6 promises that ‘He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.’ Yet we wish He’d stop picking on us the moment we’re saved and let us be the boss. Like the Pharisees we wish He’d stop interfering. Give this thought some consideration: sometimes more effort is required to keep rolling the stone back over the tomb than simply to cooperate with the work He seeks to finish in us.” (p.31-32)
I did not want to use the word “sanctification” a while back because it is such a big word and I would like to keep the post as simple as possible. However, sanctification does capture the “melting” and “purification” part I was mentioning in the paragraph above.
Saying that we’re already contented with what we have doesn’t give us the right to play God and decide when we’ll start with eternal life. I would want to reiterate: we should cooperate and allow Jesus to finish the work He began in us.
Isn’t it Obvious?
Something comic happened this evening. My cousin held a birthday dinner tonight and so some relatives were present.
After eating dinner, Mom and I went back to our house (which is just beside my cousin’s house). As I opened the television and began to watch, Mom went upstairs, I assumed to go up to her room. Time passed by, and several people were looking for my Mom–Mylene, Quinn’s nanny; Ninang; Tito Mike; Ate–almost everyone. She was not in my cousin’s house, nor in her room. Her things were all in her room so she couldn’t have gone out. Besides, I saw her go up the stairs. Everyone was just asking, “Nasaan mommy mo? Nasaan si Angie?” But no one could answer the question. We all just wondered where she could have been.
Hours passed and she finally re-appeared. It turned out that she was in my room, playing a game in the laptop. She was there all along. It was funny because everyone just asked and then looked for her in different places and asked the persons present if they’ve seen her. No one thought of calling her out loud. If we did, she could have responded at once.
I also find it amazing because for some reason, we fall into this kind of mistake when it comes to our relationship with Jesus Christ. We oftentimes look for Him in different places where He was present either before us, or before other people. We go there and ask people whether they’ve seen Jesus. But we never realized that this kind of search is futile for He is just in our room all along–He is in our heart. All we need to do is to call on Him, and He will answer. As God said to Jeremiah, ‘Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know’ (Jeremiah 33:3).
I am grateful of what happened a while ago. It might have been a simple comedy but for me, God used it to speak to me. He reminded me that I can only find the true Him if I search within my heart for He resides in me. I may gain knowledge and insights from history and other works about Him, but all these would only make sense if I’m always connected with Him. Only by calling on to Him unceasingly in prayer will He reveal to me “great and unsearchable things I do not know.”
Truly, my quest is still about fides quaerens intellectum (faith seeking understanding, St. Anselm), but I keep in mind and heart that “understanding is a reward of faith” (St. Augustine).
To God almighty be all the Glory!
God’s Washing Machine
Clockwise, counterclockwise. Heavy, light. Six, ten, four, six. Stop, a little turn.
It was our washing machine. It stops every so often, sometimes after six turns, sometimes after ten, and at times after only four. Then I would have to turn the dial very little and give it a little “push” so it can move on it’s cycling motion.
As I was watching this motion, I asked myself, how did they know that this interchanging cycling motion can aid in washing the clothes in the machine? Why not just a continuous clockwise or counterclockwise motion? I remembered a friend who is a Physics major. Maybe he can explain it to me. But at that moment, all I can do is ask and wonder.
Then at one moment, I witnessed the washing machine turn its contents in one direction! I was actually taken aback and sudden fear enveloped me–what was happening wasn’t right. With one turn, I put an end to the seeming endless mania. I disregarded it at first but then it happened for a second time.
Then I heard God spoke to me. “Karla, my daughter. You may ask, but it is more important to have faith. Have faith in my design, just as you put your faith in this washing machine that it will aid you in cleaning your clothes. You may wonder the wisdom behind it, but the answer will have to wait until you do your research. But now, all you have to do is to trust them that they know what they’re doing, this machine have been tried and tested for years. Don’t let your question stop you from using the machine that has been provided for you. In the same way, have faith in Me, trust My plans, be sure that My way cleanses you from all the dirt and impurities that you may collect as you live your life for Me. Use the different faculties I have provided for you, and when you find them not functioning, trust Me because I hold the dial and I am the one who will push you. Just as the clothes need laundry, you also need to bask in My love, for there I will shower you with abundant graces. Trust Me. Put your faith in Me, and in Me alone.
Proverbs 3:1-8 (NIV)
1 My son, do not forget my teaching,
but keep my commands in your heart,
2 for they will prolong your life many years
and bring you prosperity.
3 Let love and faithfulness never leave you;
bind them around your neck,
write them on the tablet of your heart.
4 Then you will win favor and a good name
in the sight of God and man.
5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
6 in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight. [a]
7 Do not be wise in your own eyes;
fear the LORD and shun evil.
8 This will bring health to your body
and nourishment to your bones.
In the end, I can only whisper a little prayer of thanks for I am in awe of Him. And one thing God does is to make us stand in awe of Him (Ecclesiastes 3:14b, TEV).
BIG Message Bonus: Tuesday Blessing Overflow
The Lord really blessed my this morning! Three points were given during the Dawn Watch regarding experiencing God in prayer. These are: 1. He directs and guides; 2. He confirms, and He confirms amidst opposition, and even through opposition; and 3. He builds.
Since He took off my cloak of objectivity and finally agreed with Him on the source of my troubles the past year, my quest have gone on a higher level. It truly has become “faith seeking understanding.” And so, I was burdened to explore and analyze the context of Paul’s writing in Philippians 2:12. When I did, I wondered whether the UP library has resources that could help me. So, when I went to the main library to return the books I borrowed, I searched OPAC for “Bible commentary,” I found three entries, two of which was in the General References section. I just put in mind “BS 491” and when I went in search for “BS,” lo and behold! There’s a vast collection of books about Christianity and the Bible. I remembered that I spent my time there before, but reading the Catholic directory of Parishes. Indeed, my God directs me, and I believe that He will guide me in reading those texts. I cannot read them in the course of the semester! So I will need guidance on how to go about it, as well as guidance in digesting the information I will be getting.
Secondly, He confirms. He confirmed my decision of letting go Psychology 199. He reminded me that it’s not about me chickening out, or my lack of abilities, or priorities. But it’s always about Him and His plan for me. Researching, or generating new knowledge won’t allow me to know Him more, but studying what He has already revealed would. I know the answer to my number one research problem, and very little would be gained by that. He confirmed this decision even though everyone (except one) says otherwise. He used my failure and extended stay in the university to tap in its resources to know Him more, and thus satisfy my apetite for His Word. He confirms indeed.
I believe He builds me, He will build me through these discovered resources. I believe He is faithful in finishing the work He has started in me–He will build me up.
On the other hand, He still reminded me to take one day at a time, one step at a time. He will give me the graces that I will be needing in understanding what His is going to reveal to me.
To God be all the praise and glory, forever and ever!
BIG Message 5: No longer I, but Christ
I was really excited for the B1G5 retreat that I’ve been planning my outfit for the dedication ceremony a week before. I asked a good friend of mine his opinion on me wearing the Radikal shirt for my baptism. It’s anchored on Mark 8:34, “Whoever wishes to come after me must deny himself, carry his cross, and follow me.” He encouraged me to wear it and said that he also wore his Radikal shirt during his water baptism.
To set matters straight to those who don’t know and are asking the essence of this baptism, I will give a background on baptism. Baptism is a public declaration of identification with Christ in which a person is completely immersed in water. It is not a means to salvation, but a declaration of salvation. In the act of being submerged into the water, I identify with Christ’s death, and my rising out up of the water identifies with Christ’s resurrection. It is an act of commitment to follow Christ, to renounce evil, to run away from temptations. It symbolized being dead to sin, but alive to God in Jesus Christ.
The anticipation of the baptism was the root cause of my excitement. I saw how God worked in me the whole year. He started off by saying that this year is about changes, changes that are permanent, and changes that will start off bigger changes. It is why I was obsessed with death, even likening this to Christ’s death and resurrection–Christ’s death on the cross is a permanent change, He died once and for all our sins, He paid the full price of our sins; Christ’s resurrection declares Him a living God full of glory, and that initiates change as He sent the Holy Spirit to aid us in having a personal relationship with Him. Upon realizing this months ago, I asked God, “What is my resurrection?” I had this hanging question in me as God taught me more things about death.
As the time for the baptism closes in, my excitement grew even more! The Lord said, “Karla, this is your resurrection. As you have died to your sins last night, I will raise you up, and you will declare what I have done for you, not only for this year, but for the rest of your life.”
Paul wrote to the Romans 6:
4We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life.
5If we have been united with him like this in his death, we will certainly also be united with him in his resurrection. 6For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body of sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin— 7because anyone who has died has been freed from sin.
8Now if we died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with him. 9For we know that since Christ was raised from the dead, he cannot die again; death no longer has mastery over him. 10The death he died, he died to sin once for all; but the life he lives, he lives to God.
11In the same way, count yourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus.
This is my resurrection. No longer I, but Christ lives in me.
BIG Message 4: A Humbling Experience
During the retreat, I was also humbled by God. I was able to witness a life changing transformation, and not only one life, but four.
I was humbled and reminded that not everyone know Him. Since I asked for my first Bible when I was seven years old, I have always been familiar with it. I know that there are people who haven’t even touched a Bible in their entire life. I knew this, yet I was distant with this reality. So, God humbled me when He showed me this reality.
The Lord reminded me of the harvest out there. It’s plenty! But there are a few workers in the field. He showed me how urgent that He be not only known, but be accepted. Death is upon the world, there isn’t much time. The mission is clear, and it is urgent.
BIG Message 3: Uncloaked, Free.
Francis Kong delivered a message on the renewal of the mind. He stressed that everything begins with the mind, so we have to have a healthy mindset. Having a healthy mindset however is not based on anything else this world offers, but it is only based on the Scriptures. He said that in a world where truth becomes relative, we settle for the “politically correct.” But he argued against it and said that Truth is Truth, it is very exclusive and very narrow.
The favorite verse among others about the renewal of the mind is Romans 12:2, which I posted on my closet door last year. It says, “Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.”
That night was the praise and worship concert–an hour and a half just praising and worshipping Jesus! It started slow, and as the first beat was released, my tears started to fall. I cried like I have never cried for a long, long time. I was crying for God has just uncloaked me; He removed my cloak of objectivity. He said:
Karla, your reasons and justifications for leaving home before are just secondary. You left home because of these sins. You had conflict between your identity as a Psychology student and My daughter because of these sins. You have used Psych and the rest of the scientific world to justify these sins. I have stripped you off this cloak which slows you down in your journey towards me.
My cry was that of forgiveness for my sins, dying to it along the way. My cry was also a cry of pleading; I was pleading for my family. In whole, my cry was about my cross.
As the slow music died down, peace overtook me, so I danced to the beat, jumped, and worshipped Him with thanksgiving in my heart. I was so grateful of His revelation that I sang my heart out, danced with all my might, always thinking of Him and what He’s done for me, as my soul unites with Him. I worship because of His greatness, never because of me.
The following morning, He told me to share this to another person so my unrighteousness may be exposed to the light. I had breakfast with a sister and told her everything I’ve done, especially those that I haven’t told previous confidantes. Upon confessing these things, accountability was ensured, and I know that I have been really set free.
Jesus has told me the Truth, and this Truth has set me free.
BIG Message 2: A Life of Great Abundance
On Saturday morning, we had Dawn Watch. It is an hour of prayer, with a short praise and worship, then followed by a short devotional message, and then we break out into individual prayers. The 1,030+ participants were divided into five and we had our dawn watch simultaneously at five different locations.
As this was early in the morning and I expect to come back to our cabin before the session starts, I only brought with me a few things: my Bible, B1G notebook, pen, and camera. The message was about Peter’s call recounted in Luke 5:1-11. As I started to take down notes, my pen started to run dry! I do not want to ask for an extra pen to my groupmates because I want them to listen to the message, I do not want to be the one disturbing them. I tried writing on it, and saw that even if there was no ink, in a certain angle, I can see the inscription made by the pointed tip of my pen. So, I told myself, I would just continue writing even if I could not see anything written since I can always trace it later on because I have a refill ink with me back at the cabin.
I listened and took down notes. As the speaker reached verse 6, saying how frustrated and tired Peter and his group were, Jesus came. And when He intervened, they obeyed Him and had a great catch, a promise of abundant life made my Jesus. As I was writing the letter “e” in the word “great,” my pen started writing with ink again! I was so amazed and God spoke to me:
You are like you pen, Karla. When you think that you can no longer be useful, kung akala mo nasaid ka na, just hold on and continue trusting that the notes will appear. Keep on persevering in the work that I have given you for I am telling you this, I will be the one to give you strength. Just continue trusting Me and you will see and experience great abundance in your life.”
A Quest 