A Quest
understanding reconstructions in lifeArchive for January, 2009
Great Adventure: A Memoir
THE BEGINNING
A great adventure has begun at 9:45 pm, 11th of April, year 1988, at a hospital in Mandaluyong City. A 26-year-old woman gave birth to a baby girl-me. I was named Anna Karla after their own – Angeli and Carlos. I came in the Lorenzo-Capco family three years after my brother Karel, and six years after my sister Ivy Rose.
In adventures, there were levels from which one should go through. The latter the task, the harder it would be. However, there would be no need to worry since all the basic skills and attitudes I needed in these tasks and challenges were taught by my very own family – directly and indirectly.
My parents had a jolly attitude toward things. I learned the value of finishing everything in my plate through a “cleanest plate contest.” I also learned to love drinking milk “all the way down” through a race. All these were done together as a family.
Growing up, I was both exposed to the arts and sciences. In my maternal side, almost all were inclined into the arts (interior designers, architects, graphic artists, and painters). On the other hand, science dominates my paternal side (chemists, biologists, engineers and doctors). I grew up surrounded by people with high standards which eventually affected my own standards.
Even if I was most of the time timid, I was an achiever at school. In nursery at D’Paul Kiddie Center, I was “Most Behaved.” I finished kindergarten third in my batch of more than 300 pupils, first in my class. I maintained being in the pilot section all throughout my elementary years at Pateros Catholic School, although I stopped being a consistent merit card recipient since third grade. When I transferred to Sacred Heart Academy Pasig for secondary education, I managed to remain at the top of my batch for four years. At the end, I even received the best in deportment award and a number of other service awards.
WORLD TURNED AROUND
The bumpy ride in my adventure began in March of 1996 when one night, my sleep was disturbed and was asked to transfer from my bed to my uncle’s pick-up truck. Embracing my favorite pillow, my seven-year-old self settled in and returned to a sound sleep. The four of us left the house and our dad.
I did not ask why it happened, not even what happened. I was just glad that I was with my cousins my age, a consolation for me because it meant I would not be spending too much time in my grandmother’s place in Pateros where I had no one to play with. I thought that we were just having a vacation since it was the summer break. During those times, I grew closer to my aunts and uncles. This closeness in turn brought something more complicated, a more complex situation. A portion of this would be the one to be blamed in not being able to go up the stage every end of March for three years.
That June, I entered second grade. Again, I felt like nothing was seriously changed. On my third grade, my dad would even fetch me after class at noon and would stay at my grandmother’s place until my brother’s dismissal. We would then go home together to the apartment we rented in Pasig. My parents’ separation was not a big deal for me.
Since I had more contact with my maternal relatives, I was influenced by their beliefs. I was led to hate Catholicism-the religion I grew up with. In fact, I was studying in a Catholic school at that time. Because I got a grade of 86 in Christian Living, I did not receive a merit card for that quarter – I ceased to become an honor student. When my mom asked me what happened, I answered with a tone, “Eh hindi naman kasi ako Katoliko e!”
A year after that, I learned the reason why my parents separated – shabu. My dad was abusing the illegal substance. Right after my sister’s high school graduation (at the end of my fourth grade), he entered the rehabilitation center in Amadeo, Cavite. Two years later, I learned an ever disturbing fact. The abusive act started in the year 1986, two years before I was even born.
FORKING PATHWAY
“Which is the truth? Mom’s side, or Dad’s?” I asked myself confusingly. I eventually chose the road where my maternal relatives were, mainly because I lived with them. They were visible and they were influential people. My naïve self believed everything they told about Catholics, such as the name Katoliko, from Kato-liko. Instead of leading the people to the right path – to God, they lead them in the wrong direction. A lot of other things were involved, but they were too complex and complicated to be cited.
During my travel in that road, I encountered several difficulties. I was unprepared that’s why I was easily tossed and turned by the strong winds and rain. At first, I was passive about it. Eventually, I was surrounded by confusion. I did not know what to believe in; I did not have a stronghold in my faith. I was broken, in pain, alone.
It was during this confusing stage that I was enlightened with the real situation of my family. Yes, I was an achiever in high school, member of several clubs including the glee club, with friends whom I laugh with, but I finally acknowledged that something was missing. I found out how broken I was.
People around me had difficulty reading me. I was such a mystery to majority. I rarely shared what’s really boiling inside me. Most of the time, I wore a mask covering what I truly felt.
In confusion, I questioned the God I never knew by heart. I asked why these things were happening to me, to my family. I doubted God’s wisdom regarding putting us in a situation we cannot handle. I couldn’t find the family in my family, the home in our house. Instead, I looked for substitutes and I succeeded – a couple who teaches in my school as my pretend-parents, and the school itself as my home. I was very lost, wandering silently in the dark wilderness.
OUTLET
What I did not verbalize, I put into writing. I wrote everything inside me through poems and personal narratives. However, I did not explicitly write them, but instead masked them through metaphors and imagery. After writing, I would not let other people read them immediately. On the other hand, I waited until the event had passed. I made sure I was feeling happy the day I would let anyone read what I have written.
180O TURN
In the Old Testament, the Israelites were slaves to the Egyptians, but God used Moses to free His people. The most miraculous thing He did was the parting of the Red Sea. He made a way for the Israelites, who were escaping from the Egyptians in chariots. The sea did not prevent them from escaping, because God willed them to be free.
Just like the Israelites, God made a way for me to get out of the thick mud that began holding me back. In my third year in high school, an opportunity opened for me.
The conversion began when, finally, I opened myself to my “second mom” in school. I was still unsure of what to tell, or how to tell the hidden things inside. Thankfully, they all poured out like water in a jar. The most memorable part of that conversation was when I was asked this question:
“Karla, do you pray?”
Nod.
“Do you believe that Jesus can bring you out of the dark?”
“Yes,” she answered.
In reality, praying was not part of my days, I did not know how to. I was confused, did not know what to believe in, but still answered yes because my insecurities got the better of me. I thought answering no would be embarrassing, even if it would be the truth. Aside from that, at that time, I was only ready to reveal my family wounds but not the faith wounds.
I was prompted to pray, to open and read the Bible, to ask help from God for wisdom to understand what He wants to tell me. Then, it struck me. The wounds in my soul could not be healed by just opening up to another human. I realized that I needed someone else in my life. I needed to open my doors to a higher being-the Almighty, the Messiah, Jesus Christ.
Eventually, my adventure turned into another direction. I slowly found my way out of the wilderness with the help of another person whom I met that school year – their new guidance counselor. As if God really wanted me to get out, He sent another guide for the new road. That was the school year CFC-Youth for Christ (YFC) became an official club in my school. There was an invisible magnet that drew me to join the group. Something, or someone, told me that I was going to find answers to my vague questions while in their company. YFC provided me with a support environment wherein my wounds could be slowly healed. With all the support I got from the YFC community, the real reason why I felt complete was because I let Someone enter my life. I started to have a personal relationship with Jesus. In doing so, I was able to see the blessings hidden beneath the hardships. I started to have a dream for myself, my family, and country.
YFC LIFE
I became an active member of YFC, or, rather, it became my lifestyle. I traveled that road, met new people, made lasting friends, and raised my self-esteem. I was able build my character through various trainings and activities, as well as in joys and challenges. I led the YFC in my school during fourth year, the whole High School based program of central b sector (Pasig, Pateros and Taguig) during my freshman and sophomore years in college, the Community Based program of the same sector the following year, and currently, as an Over-all Sector Youth Head of the sector, overseeing the different programs (there are seven).
Ever since I started, I was given unexpected awards such as Most Inspiring Delegate during the 4th High School Conference in 2003, Feel at Home award during her first Summer House Training in May 2004, YFC High School Member of the Year in December 2004, 3rd Most Outstanding High School Student during the 5th High School Conference in January 2005, and finally, one of the ten Timothy Awardees (a world-wide YFC search of “Timothy’s”) in April 2006.
One of my dreams was to travel. Because of YFC, I was able to go to different places every year. I reached Bongabong, Mindoro because of the Kalinga Luzon build in April 2005, then straight to Subic for the 12th YFC International Leaders’ Conference (ILC). The following year, I went to Davao City for the 13th ILC. I traveled by Super Ferry together with the hundreds of other delegates and had my 18th birthday on the sea several hours away from Iloilo port. That May, I was able to go on Mission together with the other nine Timothy Awardees to four Provinces – Pangasinan, La Union, Baguio and Ilocos Norte – in one week. The next year, in 2007, I celebrated my birthday in Goa, Camarines Sur, helping build houses with Gawad Kalinga. From Goa, we went to Naga for the 14th ILC. The 15th ILC last year was in Tagaytay City.
I loved what I was doing in YFC – talking to people, having households (similar to cell group discussions), and organizing events. When plainly stated, it’s just about taking care of people; loving them; loving God.
“ISKA”
The University of the Philippines in Diliman, my first choice of campus, was where I would spend the rest of my college life. I attempted to take tests from other colleges and universities but I was only successful in applying at Polytechnic University of the Philippines in Sta. Mesa. I failed to pass the application form in the University of Santo Tomas, I failed to get an application form in the De La Salle University in Taft. It was already late January when I worried that I did not have a sure university yet. So I applied in PUP and took my exam second week of February. Back then I would say firmly, “kung para sa UP ako, para sa UP ako.” True enough, I was accepted in UP Diliman in my first choice of degree program – BA Psychology.
I took up BA Psychology because I wanted to understand the behavior of the people around me, most especially the members of my own family. I wanted answers to my “why” questions. True enough, I was able to answer most of them.
Being an iskolar para sa bayan got hold of me during my freshman year and that caused me to do stupid things for the sake of science. Aside from that, I did not have a hard time adjusting to the UP life since I connected myself, on the very first day of classes, to the YFCs based in UP. They helped me cope up with the professors, subjects, and also lend me some books and readings for my GE subjects. I was not grade conscious (GC), unlike most of her batch mates. I made sure that I enjoyed my classes and really learned something, more than having a high grade.
Though, like any other road, my UP life was filled with bumps and humps. Besides, I was balancing YFC leadership, my academics, and my family life. Add more the organizations and others in the campus to the list. During my third year, I fell into the deepest pit, so far. I felt depressed – I felt unloved; a bad witness to Christ (because of a failed subject); or simply put, just plain failure. I failed myself, my parents, and most of all God. I felt unworthy. I incurred incompletes in some of my subjects because I broke down and could not do a thing. I was pressured by my parent’s expectations, which, by the way, was lower than my perceived expectation. This extended until the summer classes. Because of several stressful unexpected things during the summer enlistment, I eventually dropped my one and only subject for that summer – the first she enrolled at. There was a day when I did not leave my room for the whole day, not even for a drink of water. For a moment, I wanted escape and the only thing I thought it possible was by taking my own life. However, the thought of Jesus and the desire to spend eternity with Him dismissed the idea from my mind. The whole day was spent sleeping, crying, and exchanging SMS with a respected friend.
On the first semester of her senior year, I held to three principles – live one day at a time, do not dwell, and keep moving forward. The university taught me to think, to not dismiss or hide my questions but to air them out. In this line, it would be important to be guided by those three principles because if not, I would suffer from paralysis of analysis. I could again fall to that dark pit, maybe even deeper and darker than the last, if I did not guard myself. Because I learned these things, I had a greater likelihood to overanalyze things and then paralyzed, not being able to do or accomplish anything because I dwelled on it and failed to move forward.
ANSWERED PRAYERS
One of the most prayed for was her family. I prayed for more love, for unity, for Jesus Christ to come and be the center of my family life. Many times I was frustrated because I thought it was fruitless. However, the Lord just kept His promise and slowly, but surely, my family life was improving. It may not have been what I had exactly imagined, but the Lord knew best.
Late 2006, I was nagging my sister of their movie date that was always postponed. I complained that whenever we would go out, she would meet up another friend and I would end up just tagging along. Finally, a dinner date materialized and there, the ice was broken. Things unspoken were brought up. That was the start of a better family life.
Little by little, I had a better relationship with my mom, my dad, and my brother as well. We would talk about things – essential and just for fun things. Though it had not reached the point of really cleaning out the past, I accept it as a gradual process. In times when these sensitive things were touched, or when the pain was again triggered by a fresh event, I could not help but really cry to myself. Besides, for a wound to be completely healed, cleaning was crucial, and that hurt a lot. My prayer at that time was described by the bridge of the song Hosanna:
“Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like you and love me
Break my heart for what breaks yours
Everything I have for your kingdom’s cause
As I walk from earth into eternity.”
LOVE AND FAITH FOR YEAR 2008
The Lord had been faithful for the year 2007 when He said that it would just be a great year for her. This time around, when year 2008 entered, the Lord told her that it would just be about love and faith. “May Christ dwell in your hearts through faith; may you be rooted and founded in love,” Ephesians 3:17 – the main verse for which she anchored herself this year.
As a first sign of a growth in faith, I finally made the decision to what religion I will have to follow – Catholicism, or the other. On January 12th, I received the Sacrament of Confirmation. I exerted all my efforts in preparing for the big day. I was the one who asked for information, went to the parish where I was baptized and acquired another copy of my baptismal certificate, and pushed my parents to attend the seminar. I even decided and asked a couple personally to be my sponsors. They were Chris and Eden Fernandez, a couple without their own child, who were instrumental to my growth since I met in August 2007.
A whole year had passed and I would deviate from the norm by not classifying 2008 as a roller coaster ride. For a roller coaster go on huge spirals, oftentimes, these spirals are symmetrical top and bottom. Not my 2008. I realized what this year was when I saw an old schoolmate, someone two levels younger than me. One of the questions he asked me was “how’s your 2008, ate?”
I have one word to describe this year–difficult. Yes, it was a very, very difficult year, most of the time the bad times outweigh the good ones. But then, I almost immediately told him that what seems to be bad for us might not really be bad for Him. In fact, it might be (and most probably it is) His way of pruning us, me. This December, I was assured that one of God’s promises was to shake us. No temporary things will remain. Victory is waiting at the end of the shaking. Victory only comes after the shaking.
Indeed, all the downs were crucial in being more loving and being more faithful. I considered all things as a manifestation of God, “so that (I) may understand with all the holy ones the width, the length, the height and the depth – in a word, that (I) may know the love of Christ that surpasses all knowledge, that (I) may be filled and reach the fullness of God,” (Ephesians 3:18-19). I just wanted to give “glory to God who shows his power in us and can do much more than we could ask or imagine,” (Ephesians 3:20, emphasis mine).
An example would be an opportunity to attend a party at Warehouse 135 in Makati. Spirit was the event, and it was a Christian event. The House music the DJ was playing were all Gospel music. The tag line was right-nothing but Gospel House. I never imagined I could party like that and worship God at the same time.
Even if 2008 have been very difficult for me, I am completely grateful for it. Several relationships have been formed, broken and restored this year, including my relationship with my Father. Though I did not get through this year with flying colors, I think I’d rather pass through a needle’s hole and pick up a lot of lessons instead of flying and just using stocked knowledge and gaining nothing.
DREAMS
The following was an excerpt from my journal on May 7, 2008:
Is there such a thing as our ultimate dream? Is it different or same as goal? Well, we have small dreams (or no dream is small?) like acting in theater, those things that it would be okay if not realized, or is it precisely that mentality that label the dream “small?” Is a dream different from the things that we want to do? The ultimate dream, could there be a real, concrete dream? Or well, clear dream, not vague, nor ambiguous. How about God’s will – God’s hand planting that desire, or that dream in our hearts? How about our own will? How about that limitation that we, humans, have – that we don’t and we won’t (ever) know, and understand, everything, including, maybe, our dream? In the long run, maybe we have our dreams, but in the end, the process of realizing that dream is still the most important of all, extinguishing every smoke, extracting every juice, relishing every moment because from these things, we learn.”
During these times, there was no concrete “I want to do after college” dream. I just wanted to be able to practice what I learned in Psychology, and also serve the youth sector. I wanted to make a difference, even small scale difference. I wanted to “build” people but did not know how, or where, or what exactly, most probably because I did not want to accept what I wanted to do at that time.
At first, I was deeply praying about entering full-time missionary work in YFC. It was part of her options even before I entered college. I wanted it because that was what I loved doing. I knew I could practice what I learned there, and I could make a difference through that ministry, even a small-scale impact. However, I also did not want it because of its impracticality. When asked if I would go full-time, I would always say, “It is part of my options, but I know that I would not apply right after college graduation. I want to work outside YFC, to have a feel of it, and lessen the likelihood of asking ‘what if?'” It was an answer that prevented further questioning. Practically speaking, working outside the ministry would earn me sufficient money to help out at home, and save for myself, for the future ministry work.
However, recent events gave me a clear vision, of what I really wanted, of what I would pursue. Right now, I want to be a Psychologist in a school, a school guidance counselor maybe. This way, I could still use my background in Psychology and serve the youth sector. At first, I thought wanted to teach, to earn her master’s degree in Educational Psychology, but after consulting with one of my professors, I was advised to take the counseling path, since what I wanted falls under that – program development and facilitating workshops (effective teaching styles in the classroom, team building activities within and between faculty and non-teaching staff, including the admin, etc). I was really excited about this and I could actually be of more help to the ministry being a professional, especially in terms of program development.
Just very recently, another dream came to me. I wanted to build a youth center, a place where young people could do a lot of things – study, play board games, talk to peers, play sports, enhance their different skills, etc. The youth center’s purpose was to provide the youth a place to stay after classes, or if they were not school-bound, an alternate place, a place where they could find support. It would be a place where the youth could go to anytime to find something to do, someone to talk to, people who could help. I imagined it to have different facilities. First in the line was a library where my collection of books could be read, and where students could study. If there were youths who were not school-bound, they could receive free tutorials here or study on their own. This way, the knowledge would be available for them as well. There would also be a recreational room with tables and chairs where they could borrow (for room use) various board games – chess boards, snakes and ladders, Settlers of Catan, monopoly, Cluedo, etc. – and build camaraderie among other youths. The books, magazines, and comics from the library could also be brought here if they prefer a not-so-quiet room. School projects could also be done in this room.
A sound-proof room would also be available where bands could enhance their talent in music. The technology to record music would also be desirable. A dance room with all the mirrors would be part of the list, so that people who wanted to learn could learn how to dance. This room could also be used for a dance-work out area. Computers would also be available for a minimal rental fee to do their projects and research. There would also be a viewing room where a home theater facility would be available. An auditorium would also be in place for big gatherings, or for staging of plays. Another not-so-big and not-so-small room would be available for small gatherings.
A dream knows no limits. That’s why I included a basketball court and a not-so-big field for outdoor sports. Provisions for table tennis would be non-negotiable as an indoor sport. To push the limits further, I wanted an indoor swimming pool as well, complete with shower and locker rooms for both men and women.
Of course, the whole lot would not be complete without a prayer room. I thought it would really be great if there could be seminars and workshops at least once a month regarding different topics, touching the different aspects of a person’s well-being. It would also be really great if there would be a priest available at least once a week for those who wanted to receive the Sacrament of Penance. An open Bible study would also be happening at least once a week.
Several people were needed for this dream to be realized, especially in the maintenance of the availability of services. Another thing would be the financial aspect of the dream. Karla knew that she could not realize this on her own and she needed other people who share the same dream.
THE QUEST CONTINOUS
The quest has just begun. A lot of things are yet to be discovered, so many of them yet to be learned. Another year is coming and I am looking forward for my 2009. I am looking forward for the changes this coming year will bring me. Yes, I am looking forward for the changes that will come to me, more for the changes that I will be initiating.
I pray that in whatever I would do, may I return all the glory to my Father above, to grow more in love with Him each day. J
2008: Untitled XI
March 8, 2008
Alone
in this dark
locked
room of mine
buried myself
underneath
a few pillows
with clogged nose,
I seek
affirmation
and
peace.
2008: (DIS)BELIEF
October 20, 2008
You are my Lord, my God
You’re full of mercy, You give me grace
You’re the source of my joy everlasting
The source of my peace and my strength
But why this disbelief?
Why this little faith?
Why do I try to hide from You?
Why do I run away?
I cannot understand why.
I try to put You away,
To place You in the background,
Making all sorts of excuses,
Just not to meet You.
But it gets me all so messed up
I’m like an extravagant bag
That contains a stinking crap.
How can I bear this? I cannot do it by myself.
I am ashamed
Too full of guilt to even show my face
How can I get back on track
With this disbelief?
It is funny though,
How I cannot completely run away from You
That in simple things
I catch myself uttering Your Name.
But then,
I run,
I hide,
By silencing myself.
I can’t continue living this way
I don’t want to rot all over
But its so hard for when I say “save me,”
I ignore all Your efforts.
You know what’s deep inside me,
Don’t listen to my outside
Let my inside, my core, prevail
Help me trust You, help me become faithful.
I am this messed up
That I cannot bring myself to You
I am this messed up
That I hide what’s really me
I am this messed up
That I am lost because of my hiding
I want to be fixed
Search for me
Bring me back
To where I truly belong.
sariling buhay
Lumaki ako sa isang kapaligiran kung saan mahalaga ang pagkakaroon ng sariling buhay ng isang indibidwal. Sa mga desisyon, ako ang bahalang gumawa, kasi nga, sa aking buhay naman mangyayari yun, andun lang ang mga tao sa aking paligid upang humalili.
Naalala ko noong bata pa ako, lagi kong naririnig na may sarili akong buhay, na hindi ako dapat magpa-apekto sa mga nangyayari sa buhay ng aking mga kamag-anakan, kasi iyong mga “pag-rerebelde” ay sa akin lang din makasasama, at hindi sa kanila. Ako’y naniwala, at wala nga akong pakialam sa mga desisyong ginawa nila, may sarili akong buhay.
Kaya nasanay akong pumipili ng mga gusto ko, at ginagawa ito.
Mga ilang araw na ang nakakaraan, narinig ko ang sinabi ng isang malapit sa aking buhay, “baka kasi magalit sila sa’kin kapag ginawa ko yun.”
Totoo namang ang bawat desisyon natin ay may kaakibat na responsibilidad. Sa pag-dedesisyon, hindi lang ang ating sarili ang ating iniisip, kundi pati na rin ang mga taong nakapaligid sa atin, lalung-lalo na ang mga pinakamalalapit. Hindi natin pwedeng sabihin na tayo lang ang apektado ng desisyon na ito. Sa kaso ng desisyong nabanggit ko sa itaas, isinaalang-alang niya ang mararamdaman naming pinakamalalapit sa kaniya, lalung-lalo na dahil ang desisyong iyon ay may dawit na isa pang malapit na tao.
Hindi ako nakapag-salita noong sinabi niya yun. Hindi ko kasi alam noong mga panahong iyon ang sasabihin. Kinabukasan ko na naisip ang maaari kong sagot. Tulad ng pagpapalaki sa amin, at tulad nga rin ng sabi ng isa pang malapit sa aking buhay, “malaki na siya.” Tama, malaki na silang dalawa. May sarili naman silang buhay, at may sarili akong buhay. Totoong makakaapekto iyon sa iba’t ibang mga bagay na hindi ko mawari lahat kung ano, ngunit hindi nito mababago ang aming koneksiyon sa isa’t isa. Hindi mababago ng isang pirasong papel ang ugnayan namin sa isa’t isa.
Tama naman. Ngunit naisip ko, ganoon pa rin kaya ang magiging opiniyon kung totoo ngang nangyari iyon?
2009 Message Blast!
“believe believe believe
in the power
that is present
in the life
that is possible”
– Joyce Rupp
During prayer this year 2009, I was like the student listening with awe to my professor – my Dad – God. I sat there, listening in silence. He was explaining things to me, things that I need to understand about last 2008, just the way I would like it. Wow. He brought me from one verse to another, from one commentary to another. He was stitching things for me.
The first readings recently from the book of Numbers and the first letter of John started the “lecture.”
“The LORD bless you, and keep you;
The LORD make His face shine upon you, and be gracious to you;
The LORD lift up His countenance upon you, and give you peace.
They shall put My name on the children of Israel, and I will bless them.”
Numbers 6: 24-27, NKJV
According to Matthew Henry’s Concise Commentary, Lord was mentioned three times to acknowledge the Holy Trinity – God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit. Each one doing something for us – the children, but altogether, Dad is blessing us.
For me, their function is in order according to the Three Personas. God the Father will bless us and keep us. The second Lord, I believe, pertains to Jesus Christ. Everyday, we strive to be Christ-like, thus, allowing His face to shine upon us. Also, St. Paul teaches us in his letter to the Romans that we are “justified freely by His grace through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus.” (Romans 3:24, NKJV) Thirdly, God the Holy Spirit is said to be the one who is always upon us, thus, the one who guides, encourages and enables us to have peace. In the end, they are all one God who made us His own whom He blesses.
“See that what you have heard from the beginning remains in you. If it does, you also will remain in the Son and in the Father.” 1 John 2:24, NIV
Dad reminded me of my foundations. He asked me to remember the reasons why I pursued the Sacrament of Confirmation January of last year, because in pursuit of greater knowledge, it is important to be grounded on these foundations. I should carry with me what I was taught. It is like going mountain climbing and taking with me the lessons that I have learned on how to climb mountains, as well as safety and survival skills. Once I am on my way up the mountain, discovering the unknown terrain, I cannot afford to abandon those skills and knowledge that I have learned from the beginning. I need them in order to successfully “conquer” the new terrain that I am exploring – gaining knowledge of.
The same thing with the truth: with day-to-day human experiences, I cannot abandon and put aside what I was taught – and believe in – to give chance to a new knowledge to be explored and understood. Doing so would be suicide, and in this case, a spiritual suicide.
“Beloved, now we are children of God; and it has not yet been revealed what we shall be, but we know that when He is revealed, we shall be like Him, for we shall see Him as He is. And everyone who has this hope in Him purifies himself, just as He is pure.” 1 John 3:2-3, NKJV
I admitted to myself that I was somehow afraid of what the future will be. In these verses, Dad taught me that there is nothing to fear, mainly because what we shall be has not been even revealed! Though it was quite literal, it made sense to me. Another assurance that Dad gave me, just as what He said from the beginning, in Numbers, our goal is to be Christ-like; our path is that of holiness; of perfection, just as He is perfect. We hope for this.
The third verse describes what we have to do to travel along the path of holiness and of perfection – purity. We should strive to be pure, because He is pure. Quoting from the commentary on my Bible (Christian Community Bible), we are His children who will return to Him, thus, “God purifies us in a thousand ways, because only in this way can we attain our goal.” I believe Dad purifies us in more than a thousand ways, for St. Paul assures us in his letter to the Ephesians that God can do so much for us in more ways than we could ever ask or imagine (Ephesians 3:20).
In another commentary from Matthew Henry, it was written: “it is the hope of hypocrites, not the sons of God, that makes allowance for gratifying impure desires and lusts.” We cannot say that we follow Christ but make excuses for our sins, saying that “everyone else does this, so why not me?” Going back to being mountaineers, we cannot make allowance to the rule “leave nothing but footprints” and throw our trash around the area and justify ourselves by saying, “that will decompose anyway,” or “my trash is like a dot in this mountain.”
“But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellence of the power may be of God and not of us. We are hard-pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed-always carrying about in the body the dying of the Lord Jesus, that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our body.” 2 Corinthians 4:7-10, NKJV
The verses above speak about my goal. When in face of trials and difficulties, I must not be crushed; when in of doubt and confusion, I must not despair because Dad the professor will explain in the right time; keeping in mind that I am but a vessel, an earthen one in fact – fragile and plain. Therefore, I must take care of myself – of my body – the vessel of God’s Presence and of a loving energy (Rupp, 1997).
This 2009, Dad assured me that I will encounter a lot of changes, and most of them are “major.” That is scary. But He assured me through the proclamation of the Psalmist: “He has remembered His love and His faithfulness…” (Psalm 98:3, NIV).
I will end this quoting Mother Teresa. She said, “I carry the heart of my God and the God of my heart everywhere.” I pray that I may be able to do the same.
2008: The year that was
I started this year with the theme “love and faith for 2008” for I believe that was what God told me this year was. A lot of things have happened, yes, ups and downs, and I believed that I would see (smell, hear, touch, taste, in a word–perceive) things greater than what I have and could have imagined.
I would deviate from the norm by not classifying this year as a roller coaster ride. For a roller coaster go on huge spirals, oftentimes, these spirals are symmetrical up and down. Not my 2008. I realized what this year was when I saw an old schoolmate (who was younger than me) in the hallway of CCF. He kept me company outside the main hall during the latter part of the service. One of the questions he asked me was “how’s your 2008, ate?”
I have one word to describe this year–difficult. Yes, it was a very, very difficult year, most of the time the bad times outweigh the good ones. But then, I almost immediately told him that what seems to be bad for us might not really be bad for Him. In fact, it might be (and most probably it is) His way of pruning us, me.
Before I went to St. Francis Square to attend CCF’s worship service, I attended The Feast at Valle Verde Country Club. There, I was assured that one of God’s promises was to shake us. No temporary things will remain. Victory is waiting at the end of the shaking. Victory only comes after the shaking.
That same night, I had the opportunity to attend a party at Warehouse 135 in Makati. Spirit was the event, and it was a Christian event. The House music the DJ was playing were all Gospel music. The tag line was right–nothing bug Gospel House. I never imagined I could party like that and worship God at the same time. Wow.
This year 2008 had been really very difficult for me. But at the same time, I am completely grateful for this year. Several relationships have been formed, broken and restored this year, including my relationship with my Father. Though I did not get through this year through flying colors, I think I’d rather pass through a needle’s hole and pick up a lot of lessons instead of flying and just using stocked knowledge, gaining nothing.
I’m looking forward for my 2009. I am looking forward for the changes* this coming year will bring me. Yes, I am looking forward for the changes that will come to me, more for the changes that I will be initiating.
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*I believe change is constant, thus, there will always be change. However, I believe I can really look forward for major changes in 2009.
2008: On trust and being silent
I have been silent in my virtual world for quite some time now. I haven’t really posted anything, nor checked anyone’s sites. By silencing myself, I chose to distance myself from the “world.” I was able to contemplate on a lot of things, things that could not be made public, or even share to my cyber social group. Now, I choose to speak up.
I am not going to describe what those long three months were. That would take forever. Nor would I describe the things that I have learned for the past months. I am here to share a thought about “trust.”
For the last couple of months that I have been silent, I always receive the remark, “thank you for trusting me.” They would normally say that after I have shared my deepest struggle. Trust is such a big word, and most of the time, we lack this virtue, we tend to be suspicious of the other’s motives. But hey, being suspicious is a learned behavior. Children trusts almost anybody. Even Christ wants us to imitate the children in their trust of another.
I think, that was how I had been, like a little child–vulnerable to several dangers. There is nothing else that I could do but to trust the people nearby to help keep me away from danger. Furthermore, I realized that as I trust the people close to me, I also am led to trust myself more.
But the greatest trust of all goes to my Dad who never ever cease to give me another chance. A trust amidst all questions; a trust that goes beyond my understanding; and a trust that my Dad will see me through my everyday battles. I just need to ask, believe, and trust.
2008: food for thought
It is said that one could always choose to be happy. But what if it really is hard to be happy? Happiness is an emotion. We feel our emotions. We do not choose them, there are not even wrong emotions. That is ours, and ours alone. When we say that we feel something but that feeling is not really within us, then that would be hypocrisy, according to Gary Chapman. Therefore, it would be difficult to choose to be happy, to say, claim, or believe that we are when we’re not. However, we could instead think of happy thoughts that could in turn elicit happiness, thus, it would be genuine. We would not be hypocrites.
On the other hand, while I was sharing this thought to another, she said, you could choose happiness because happiness is not an emotion, it is a state of being. And I told her, “then, what are other states of being?” There was a long pause. “Sadness, the opposite of happiness.”
The dictionary defines emotion as a state of consciousness. Isn’t that the same with “state of being?” For me, it is.
Therefore, I made the decision to jot down at least one happy life event per day. This way, I could always come back to several happy thoughts that could elicit genuine happiness, or even joy, in my times of melancholia.
2008: Crazy and Something Big Indeed
A few of my friends are wondering how karla capco is now, especially because I haven’t posted a blog since May 18, two months ago. Wow, it was that long ago. No wonder they’re asking how I am.
I was supposed to post a blog about the Hillsong worship last May 26. I wrote something, but afterwards, I wasn’t satisfied with what I wrote. I knew there’s something more, something hidden that I couldn’t understand at the moment. I believe God spoke to me that night, but at the moment I couldn’t comprehend yet. That was the reason why I didn’t post it. I assigned the title “crazy,” somewhat because that was what I thought I experienced. Being really crazy for my God. Little did I know that it was to describe my next month.
The succeeding weekend of the worship in Araneta was the Level Up weekend of YFC Community Based. I served during the weekend, and there I experienced something different. I know I haven’t been a participant in that training weekend, but that was my second time, both as part of the service team. As the video playback, I was stuck in front and I got to listen to all the talks given. At one point, I was bored with the sessions, I was tired of hearing the same things. What I heard were like clichés to my ear, to my mind, to my heart, and maybe to my soul. I wanted something different. I was yearning of something deeper, something more specific, less generalized. In short, I wasn’t satisfied. Maybe, because that training wasn’t for me. It wasn’t made for me. At the very last praisefest, I heard God talk to me. He said,
“To decide to be more joyful, in order to learn what I needed to learn. To seek more in cliché messages/ statements because there’s always something more. This is your level up. If in times you feel tired of listening to the same, vague or ambiguous statements for you, you must seek deeper. The more you grow, the more you mature, you shouldn’t expect everything to be spoon fed to you. it is your call, your decision, to seek more. Contemplate. Yung tears mo kanina, they were tears of joy. Peaceful ka ngayon and the tears you shed kanina ay patunay langna naintindihan mo na kung anong kulang sa’yo, kung anong kailangan mo pang gawin. Just live one day at a time, worry free. Smile, magmahal, magdasal.”
After that, I told myself, yeah, I should live one day at a time, don’t dwell, just do what I’ve got to do. June came, and several other things came. There was my ultimate family weekend, enrolment period, and first days of classes. So many things happened. I asked questions, I probed on topics I know nothing about. I wanted to discover. I want my questions to be answered, I don’t want to be ignorant of topics I should have knowledge about. Being ignorant of these things would put me at a disadvantageous situation. I entered a period of forming and re-forming my own convictions and opinions regarding certain topics. Though the phase was a really rough time for me. I became depressed, I again went back to my issues before, how I was a failure, how incompetent I am. Because there was no one to really listen to me, to hear me out, to help me answer my questions, I secluded myself from the rest of the world. I focused on my academics, and I sought the answers to my questions myself. I helped myself learn a lot about certain topics, and I did irrational things. I fell into sin, but at the time, I don’t care because I want to discover, I want to feel. I want to know the what, how, where, and why. I was so concerned in wanting to explore that I came to the point that I couldn’t express myself. I was putting so many things inside me, but I couldn’t find an outlet where I could also let the excess things out. I couldn’t write, I don’t know what to do. Yes, I was going crazy.
Finally I was able to express myself through the perceptual process flowchart I made. Then, like a chain reaction, people dear to me were becoming really concerned and was asking me when we could meet up, sit, and talk. I felt that I was really being prayed for, and I know that because I felt lighter. Then, little by little, wisdom pours over me. I finally understood why I did those things, why I entered that rough road. It was my level up. I was a level higher because of the things I explored. I have more knowledge of myself, my being a daughter of God. The Hillsong worship? I know now God’s core message in that worship. It was to live one day at a time. The whole worship, I was just dancing to the beat of the music, singing along. How could you dance to the music a second ago? Or a second to go? You can only dance to the music being played right now. That was the message.
Lately, other things came up. One thing that I realized is about intimacy. To be intimate to someone is to allow that someone to be part of my life, and me in that someone’s life. I need intimacy in my life, just like everyone else. That was the reason why I’m still stuck in YFC. I experienced being intimate with co-YFC members, with my ates and my kuyas. I felt being cared for. But I know it should not end there. I must strive for intimacy in other areas of my life, in other dear people in my life. Being intimate with Jesus is also a better feeling than being intimate with myself. Intimacy.
Another realization is about death. Lately, a lot of people I know died (or the loved one of the person I know). I asked God, why so many deaths in a week? I know, there’s something underneath. Just his Thursday, I attended the Catechism class in the EDSA Shrine. The topic was about the sixth commandment, you shall not commit adultery. The priest said, when one enters marriage, one has to die to oneself. Thinking only about oneself should end, because one has to think about the spouse and the would-be family. Selfishness should be eradicated, as much as possible. If not, it wouldn’t be a healthy family. It would be a small wound that could be festered with bacteria, and thus, become infected. It could destroy the family. And I understood more why we need to be whole when we enter romantic relationships.
Thus, death, is more that death of the physical body. It is dying of oneself to the thing that one commits to. Going back to the verse Mark 8:34, Jesus said, “Whoever wishes to follow me must deny himself, carry his cross and follow me.”
At present, it is clear for me that God wants to bring me from His glory to another glory. But He couldn’t do that without me trusting Him, with His grace being enough for me. Indeed, what happened the past months are in line with what God said this 2008 will be about – love and faith. As I learn that no matter how I love Jesus, He loves me more than I could ever love Him. All the questions and formation of convictions, I believe, is part of building my faith, a faith that is more firm, more bold.
As St. Paul says in his letter to the Ephesians, “All of this so that you may understand with all the holy ones that the width, the length, the height and the depth – in a word, that you may know the love of Christ that surpasses all knowledge, that you may be filled and reach the fullness of God. Glory to God who shows his power in us and can do much more than we could ask or imagine.” (Ephesians 3:18-20)
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Live one day at a time. Don’t dwell. Keep moving forward.
2008: Crazy
Everything was a blur. A white substance enhances that blur. All around me, there was chatting and cheering. We were getting settled, they were restless. One part at a time, the surroundings darkened, signalling the start of something big.
This is it. The long wait Is over.
Loud cheers echoed inside the Big Dome. Hillsong United finally came out to start leading the thousands of people–young and old, men and women, Filipino and foreigner–into a worship fest. Crazy young Christians as the lead singer put it. Yes, everyone was crazy enough to sing, dance, raise up their hands, offer what they could, just to worship their Savior, Jesus.
Goosebumps embraced me. I was being overwhelmed by what I was witnessing. Christians from all over Metro Manila, and I mean Evangelical Christians, Born Again Christians, Catholics, and whatever domination they’re in, as in Christians, gather together to pray, to worship. We were singing one song, voicing out our praises to our One God. The whole experience was so magnificent. No, it was beyond magnificent. It was majestic. No, it was way beyond majestic. It was indescribable. I was ecstatic. Joy and peace was constantly present throughout the whole worship. It was physically exhausting, yet, fulfilling. “Crazy young Filipino Christians,” we were described. Yes, crazy. I was like an empty cup being filled, just receiving, and I received the graces with open arms. I believe the overflow will happen in the “real” world, not in seclusion like that two hours.
In the end, it doesn’t matter if I see blurred images, that in the darkness I see small round colored lights. What matters is that in the darkness, I see the colors of the small lights. What matters is what my heart was seeing. What matters is to whom my crazy little big heart is beating for. Every little beat is a signal of something big.
A Quest 