A Quest

understanding reconstructions in life

2008: Crazy and Something Big Indeed

A few of my friends are wondering how karla capco is now, especially because I haven’t posted a blog since May 18, two months ago. Wow, it was that long ago. No wonder they’re asking how I am.

I was supposed to post a blog about the Hillsong worship last May 26. I wrote something, but afterwards, I wasn’t satisfied with what I wrote. I knew there’s something more, something hidden that I couldn’t understand at the moment. I believe God spoke to me that night, but at the moment I couldn’t comprehend yet. That was the reason why I didn’t post it. I assigned the title “crazy,” somewhat because that was what I thought I experienced. Being really crazy for my God. Little did I know that it was to describe my next month.

The succeeding weekend of the worship in Araneta was the Level Up weekend of YFC Community Based. I served during the weekend, and there I experienced something different. I know I haven’t been a participant in that training weekend, but that was my second time, both as part of the service team. As the video playback, I was stuck in front and I got to listen to all the talks given. At one point, I was bored with the sessions, I was tired of hearing the same things. What I heard were like clichés to my ear, to my mind, to my heart, and maybe to my soul. I wanted something different. I was yearning of something deeper, something more specific, less generalized. In short, I wasn’t satisfied. Maybe, because that training wasn’t for me. It wasn’t made for me. At the very last praisefest, I heard God talk to me. He said,
“To decide to be more joyful, in order to learn what I needed to learn. To seek more in cliché messages/ statements because there’s always something more. This is your level up. If in times you feel tired of listening to the same, vague or ambiguous statements for you, you must seek deeper. The more you grow, the more you mature, you shouldn’t expect everything to be spoon fed to you. it is your call, your decision, to seek more. Contemplate. Yung tears mo kanina, they were tears of joy. Peaceful ka ngayon and the tears you shed kanina ay patunay langna naintindihan mo na kung anong kulang sa’yo, kung anong kailangan mo pang gawin. Just live one day at a time, worry free. Smile, magmahal, magdasal.”

After that, I told myself, yeah, I should live one day at a time, don’t dwell, just do what I’ve got to do. June came, and several other things came. There was my ultimate family weekend, enrolment period, and first days of classes. So many things happened. I asked questions, I probed on topics I know nothing about. I wanted to discover. I want my questions to be answered, I don’t want to be ignorant of topics I should have knowledge about. Being ignorant of these things would put me at a disadvantageous situation. I entered a period of forming and re-forming my own convictions and opinions regarding certain topics. Though the phase was a really rough time for me. I became depressed, I again went back to my issues before, how I was a failure, how incompetent I am. Because there was no one to really listen to me, to hear me out, to help me answer my questions, I secluded myself from the rest of the world. I focused on my academics, and I sought the answers to my questions myself. I helped myself learn a lot about certain topics, and I did irrational things. I fell into sin, but at the time, I don’t care because I want to discover, I want to feel. I want to know the what, how, where, and why. I was so concerned in wanting to explore that I came to the point that I couldn’t express myself. I was putting so many things inside me, but I couldn’t find an outlet where I could also let the excess things out. I couldn’t write, I don’t know what to do. Yes, I was going crazy.

Finally I was able to express myself through the perceptual process flowchart I made. Then, like a chain reaction, people dear to me were becoming really concerned and was asking me when we could meet up, sit, and talk. I felt that I was really being prayed for, and I know that because I felt lighter. Then, little by little, wisdom pours over me. I finally understood why I did those things, why I entered that rough road. It was my level up. I was a level higher because of the things I explored. I have more knowledge of myself, my being a daughter of God. The Hillsong worship? I know now God’s core message in that worship. It was to live one day at a time. The whole worship, I was just dancing to the beat of the music, singing along. How could you dance to the music a second ago? Or a second to go? You can only dance to the music being played right now. That was the message.

Lately, other things came up. One thing that I realized is about intimacy. To be intimate to someone is to allow that someone to be part of my life, and me in that someone’s life. I need intimacy in my life, just like everyone else. That was the reason why I’m still stuck in YFC. I experienced being intimate with co-YFC members, with my ates and my kuyas. I felt being cared for. But I know it should not end there. I must strive for intimacy in other areas of my life, in other dear people in my life. Being intimate with Jesus is also a better feeling than being intimate with myself. Intimacy.

Another realization is about death. Lately, a lot of people I know died (or the loved one of the person I know). I asked God, why so many deaths in a week? I know, there’s something underneath. Just his Thursday, I attended the Catechism class in the EDSA Shrine. The topic was about the sixth commandment, you shall not commit adultery. The priest said, when one enters marriage, one has to die to oneself. Thinking only about oneself should end, because one has to think about the spouse and the would-be family. Selfishness should be eradicated, as much as possible. If not, it wouldn’t be a healthy family. It would be a small wound that could be festered with bacteria, and thus, become infected. It could destroy the family. And I understood more why we need to be whole when we enter romantic relationships.

Thus, death, is more that death of the physical body. It is dying of oneself to the thing that one commits to. Going back to the verse Mark 8:34, Jesus said, “Whoever wishes to follow me must deny himself, carry his cross and follow me.”

At present, it is clear for me that God wants to bring me from His glory to another glory. But He couldn’t do that without me trusting Him, with His grace being enough for me. Indeed, what happened the past months are in line with what God said this 2008 will be about – love and faith. As I learn that no matter how I love Jesus, He loves me more than I could ever love Him. All the questions and formation of convictions, I believe, is part of building my faith, a faith that is more firm, more bold.

As St. Paul says in his letter to the Ephesians, “All of this so that you may understand with all the holy ones that the width, the length, the height and the depth – in a word, that you may know the love of Christ that surpasses all knowledge, that you may be filled and reach the fullness of God. Glory to God who shows his power in us and can do much more than we could ask or imagine.” (Ephesians 3:18-20)

***
Live one day at a time. Don’t dwell. Keep moving forward.

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