A Quest

understanding reconstructions in life

all about death

“I’m looking forward for my 2009. I am looking forward for the changes this coming year will bring me. Yes, I am looking forward for the changes that will come to me, more for the changes that I will be initiating.

I wrote the above paragraph on my entry entitled “2009: The year that was.” I came to realize that one of the major change that 2009 has in store for me is death.

Since January, I can count five deaths that have made an impact in my life, and each time, the knock was even harder.

First was Nikki Besa, 17 years old, who fell while practicing some stunts at home. Her friends said that she died because of the fall, but she fell because of a pre-exsting condition I do not know. I do not know her personally, but the short span of time she lived made me value my existence. It told me to continue living, as if there’s only one day left to live.

Second was Monique Angeles, 17, 2nd Yr BS IE in UP Diliman. I also do not know her personally, but we shared a common professor and common friends, thus, I heard things about her while she was living. Her last words to her family was “kalma lang” to stop her younger siblings from fighting. Her death was very untimely, having a seizure on her way back to Philcoa from her scuba diving PE. Her death was mystery and it nudged me harder inside, since this happened around February.

Third was Amiel, the Atenean who got hit in the parking lot. I was moved by what his brother told the media about his younger brother: Amiel always wanted to be legendary; to be legendary is to make an impact in the environment he belongs to. Indeed, as young as he is, he has this dream. And indeed, he made an impact, even one, and that is towards me. I asked myself, if Amiel was remembered as someone who wanted to be legendary, someone who wanted to make an impact as young as he was, how would I be remembered if I die right now? How would I like to be remembered? Tears was flowing from my two eyes as I was watching the news alone, with these thoughts in mind.

Fourth was Francis M. His death taught me that no one is really exempt from this. I was also inspired of his positive attitude he portrayed in his last blog.

Now, fifth, Lei Claudel. Her recent death accentuated all the emotions and thoughts that I had about death. Hers also taught me several lessons–to laugh, respect, trust, to live with purpose, value of true and lasting friendship, and to confront my fears or “demons.” I am still in the grieving stage, and I am also in the process of accepting that in these circumstances, as much as I want to understand more, I am not capable of doing so.

Death is indeed change, a permanent one; it is a change that I need to adjust to, and more so, it facilitates change in other aspects of my life.

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