A Quest

understanding reconstructions in life

2004: My Twin Friend

November 2

Have you ever felt something that whatever you do, you just can’t explain what it is? It’s not loneliness, nor happiness.

A very good friend of mine (actually, she’s like my twin sister) told me that she often feels that way. I always feel guilty whenever she tells me that. I can do nothing but listen to her. I feel that I should say something to her. Some words of advice from a friend, unfortunately, I figured out that I can’t think of something to say.

My friend always tells me all the things that happened to her life. She never missed a thing. I know her deepest secrets–secrets only she and I know. She would talk to me whenever there is an opportunity, or if there’s none, she would write me a letter telling all. She would let me read her poems. Mind you, she already won in an inter-school writing competition, so she’s quite good–especially when she’s in the mood.

Sometimes, when I read her poems, I feel bothered because some of them are really negative. You would think that’s she’s so desperate. There are also times that I would wonder whether I really know her or not. She acts so strange sometimes. One moment she would be hyperactive then after just a short time, I could see her staring somewhere in the infinite universe as if she’s thinking of something so deep and important that distracting her is a mistake.

Actually, I can’t blame it on her. Since our childhood, she’s been a loner at school. She would go with anyone and stay with them for a while. Several times, she would consider a group her “barkada” but she would soon find out that she doesn’t belong there. The reason? She feels “out of place.” That’s what she tells me. She can’t relate to what they’re talking about. At home, she’s always left alone. Her mother works, her sister’s studying and would come home early in the evening. Same with her brother. Her father doesn’t live with them because they’re separated. She spent most of her early childhood–that is before she entered grade two (that was the time when her parents separated)–in her grandmother’s place, father’s side. She had no one to play with so instead, she just watched TV, eat junk foods and chocolates and other foods offered to her by her cousins–who were at that time were in college. She was often teased by her male cousins, and especially her brother. In short, she was an “asar talo.”

At first, she wasn’t affected of her parents’ separation. Of course, she was just a seven-year old kid at that time. No one told her the details, she never asked. It wasn’t until she was in grade five that she learned the reason. Again, she was never told any of this, and she never asked about it. But how did she become aware of it? Simple. She accidentally read the essay that was made by her sister, who was in first year college then, which contained the information. Again she wasn’t affected. Some of her elementary friends even asked her if she wasn’t affected of what happened. She would simply say “no” and continue with her life.

It wasn’t until later while she was in second year high school that she acknowledged that there is a problem. It was the time that she realized everything.

That’s why I really wanted to help her. I want to help her grow. As in grow emotionally, psychologically, socially, and most important of all, spiritually. Psychologically because she has several inhibitions. I want to help her get rid of those inhibitions so she can surmount most of her fears. However, spiritual growth is what she really needs. There was a point in her life that she doubted Him, but she really regretted that day. In fact, one of the factors (and the only factor that’s been untouched for seven years) that makes her confused is religion. Yes, it’s true that she’s a baptized Catholic and she graduated elementary from a Catholic School, but there has been a conflict since she was in the third grade. She just failed to acknowledge it. That’s why it remained there buried in her heart. Now, when she finally recognized this and asked questions, she became more and more confused. That’s where this unexplained feeling arrives. It conquers her, and when not acted upon immediately, it could poison her whole being.

Maybe all of us already experienced the unexplained so I still believe in her that she can overcome all this. For a short period of time, she dumped herself into the mud. Now, she’s slowly coming out of the thick puddle of mud and when that happens, we can finally be one.

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