A Quest

understanding reconstructions in life

2008: Embraced. Always Been.

Hold me in Your arms, never let me go, I want to spend eternity with You.

When I was a new YFC member four years ago, this song was my first favorite. It almost perfectly speaks of what I felt, my desires, and the things I’ve experienced. I’ve repeated the song again and again, even used it as the recessional song during first Friday Masses in our school.

Furthermore, I’ve prayed what one of the kuyas prayed, for us, “Lord, kayo na po ang humawak sa amin, kasi kapag ako ang kumapit, baka makabitiw ako.” The imagery of God not letting me go is that of my arm to His arm. Yes, there is truth to the simple prayer, however, it wasn’t complete. It was somewhat blurry.

Lately, I’ve been asking a lot of questions about different things. I’ve also realized that for me, the hardest question to answer is this: “bakit gusto mo?” Logic would ask, “why do you need to know? Kung gusto mo, e di gawin mo. Wala namang mapapasama.” Why do we desire things? What are our motives in desiring different things? Why do we need to know why? They say that before our desires come to us, before we begin to have awareness of our desires, it has gone past God. Therefore, God approves of that desire (of course, these desires that I’m talking about is beyond our biological desires). What if you have a different motive, other than what you originally thought of? My mind was restless, suffering from noise pollution.

I was able to silence my mind during the closing worship of a prayer meeting I attended. I decided to shut up even for a moment and just try really hard to be sensitive, to listen. I managed to do that and the only thing I felt was the continuous beating of my heart. At that moment, I was sure that it beats towards that thing that I was questioning myself. As I listened to the brother who was leading the worship, I was presented by a new image. It happened so fast that I just imagined myself, standing there, and Jesus embracing me, holding me in His arms. As I felt His embrace, I also felt His heart beating, my heart consistent to His.

I wanted to cry, to pour everything out. But I didn’t. How foolish have I been? All these times, I’ve always prayed for Him to embrace me. Never did I realize (until tonight) that He never really lets go of His embrace, that as He embraces me, I can feel the beating of His heart, and because I don’t want Him to go away, to let go of me, my heart was kept close to His, my heart just longs to beat the same way as His heart does.

Thank You, Jesus.

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