I was excited and I anticipated a good time. The day came–I just enjoyed the night, savouring each moment. Finally, as I lay in bed that night, I was still smiling, thankful that there was time spent together. And until now, the memory of that wonderful night brings out my biggest smile and leaps of joy in my heart.

Big Picture

As I replay the night in my head, I was reminded of what Jesus said: “These things I have spoken to you so that My joy may be in you, and that your joy may be made full.” (John 15:11). It was the discourse about the vine and the branches, about abiding in Jesus.

If time shared with this couple brought me great joy, wouldn’t spending time with my heavenly Father bring greater joy? If the food that we ate nourished me physically, wouldn’t feeding on His Word nourish me spiritually? And wouldn’t it be even greater that with Him, there are no physical limitations so I can spend quality time with Him anytime, anywhere?

That night, I was grateful for the opportunity God gave me to reunite with this couple. However, I later on realized that it was beyond my relationship with this couple. God wants to reveal this parallel. He reminded me that He is my Father, and my relationship with Jesus will bring His joy in my life. It was an answer to a prayer I’ve been praying: to teach me how to be more courageous.

Take Courage

What’s the connection of being joyful and being courageous? I was surprised when I first saw the connection. In John 16:33, Jesus’ last line was “Take courage, I have overcome the world.” To gain a better understanding of the verse, I read it in different Bible versions. NIV and NCV translate the phrase “take courage” as “take heart.” I also looked at KJV and this phrase was translated as “be of good cheer.” “Be of good cheer as take courage?” I thought. So, I searched where else the original Greek word (tharseō) was used, and consistently, the KJV translated it as either “be of good cheer,” or “be of good comfort.”

In all eight occurrences of the word, the situation went from being filled with fear and desperation to victory (Mt 9:2,22; 14:27; Mk 6:50; 10:49; Lk 8:48; Jn 16:33; Ac 23:11).

Our cheerfulness is Christ’s joy coming from the inside out. Ten verses back, Jesus promised that no one can take away our joy (John 16:22). Therefore, the bottom line is our intimacy with God. As we walk with Him, we become more intimate. We learn from Him, we receive much of His grace which nourish us, which will eventually allow us to bear much fruit (including joy!).

Relationships are important. But in the end, we (I) must not forget the most important relationship that we (I) have–that with Jesus Christ–our (my) Savior, and our (my) Lord. ♥

The original book.

This September, I had the opportunity to watch a musical rendition of “The Wonderful Wizard of Oz.” The production had a lot to improve, but nevertheless, the experience was more than what I came there for. Why? Somewhere along the play, the theatre became a cathedral.

From the very first act, goosebumps visited me. At that moment, I attributed it to the fact that I do love watching plays. Also, theatrical shows, especially musicals, never failed to bring me this wonderful feeling. Furthermore, I have been intrigued by the story of the Wizard of Oz–a scarecrow wanting a brain, a tin man desiring for a heart, and a lion longing for courage. Dorothy just wanted to go home. As the actors and actresses were singing, dancing and acting, the whole experience turned from just a play to an encounter with God.

I was suddenly in tears, weeping, and I cannot control them. At that very moment, God was reminding me that the greatest commandment is to love Him with all my mind, heart soul and strength (Mark 12:30). He also reminded me that as a Christian, I am a stranger in this foreign land (1 Peter 2:11a), thus, I must not be conformed to it’s standards (Romans 12:2). Yes, I will have a great journey in this foreign land requiring my mind to be thinking and learning, my heart to be passionate for Him, and courageously obeying His will. In the end, there’s really no place like home, like heaven.

All these might not be the meaning the author of this tale originally intended it to be. However, this is how God spoke to me. Amidst the current circumstances our trip was in, that moment was special. It doesn’t matter if I am sitting with my students and their parents. It was a special moment with me and my Sovereign Lord.

I know one more reason why I was weeping that morning. I was grieving. “Break my heart for what breaks Yours” says the song by Hillsong. My heart was grieving because of the sin in this world. A question for God was freshly brought up again. But my God is gracious, He comforts me with His word: “The secret things belong to the LORD our God, but the things revealed belong to us and to our sons forever, that we may observe all the words of this law” (Deuteronomy 29:29).

Mind. Heart. Courage. Home. I am grateful that He’s always in control.

I read this and told God, “Lord, I don’t want to be wise and intelligent anymore.” But at the end of the day, it’s not really about being “wise and intelligent” per se, but it’s about the pride that consumes us when we know we are wise and intelligent. When we know a lot of things, can prove different phenomena, and win debates, we tend to be self-reliant and our world starts to revolve around us. It begins to be all about us, and our abilities.  Jesus also said, “If your right hand makes you stumble, cut it off and throw it from you; for it is better for you to lose one of the parts of your body, than for your whole body to go into hell.” (Mt.5:30,NASB) So what does the wise and the intelligent have to do? “Cut off” their own wisdom and intelligence–surrender them to the giver of True knowledge and wisdom.

Personally speaking, I have often found my mind as the one which causes me to stumble. Questions would flood my consciousness and demand my attention. Some of them get answered and these answers stirs up some mysterious emotions inside me. At these times, I humbly come before my Lord, the Source of everything, weeping, thanking Him of these revelations. But I also ask Him for help so I would be able to test them because I only want to hold on to what is good (1 Thessalonians 5:21).

At the end of the day, I just like to stand in awe of my amazing God who gives and takes away. My Father who simply loves me and who has a wonderful plan for my life. I pray that I would be able to “lay aside every encumbrance, [especially the "trivial" things], and the sin which so easily entangles [me], that [I] may be able to run with endurance the race that is set before [me], fixing [my] eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith” (Hebrews 12:1-2,NASB).

Day after day, we grow. We die to self, and we need to be “shaped” into how we are really made–just like when we cut nails. If we are not “cut,” then we open ourselves to hurting others, ourselves, as well as focusing more energy to tend the supposedly dead part of the nail. This long part accumulate dirt easily, so it really takes a lot of energy and focus to maintain them neat and clean. So, keep them short and let the dead nails go.

For the past week, I have been celebrating the transition of two numbers–my age. I have only one thing to ask of God that week (which I intentionally didn’t tell anyone), and that is, “Lord, surprise me!”

April 8, Friday–Our Dgroup celebrated three birthdays (March celebrants and mine). Earlier that day, I thought of pizza, and lo! We ate in Pizza Hut! As for the surprise, they came in as questions like “what is your idea of a romantic date?” They gave me my first (cup)cake for the occasion. Overall, I had a fun night with the ladies.

April 9, Saturday–In John 10:10 Jesus said, “The thief only comes to steal and kill and destroy; I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly.” There were two questions: what is the “thief” stealing and destroying in the Filipino children, and as Christians, what must we do? These things heightened the fire within me to do something, to be a channel of that life from God so we may all have it abundantly.

April 10, Sunday–Our large group team was assigned to teach in Sunday School. Since only two of us were left, it was indeed God who provided for help. It is only by His grace that we were able to do our best. True, there were technical difficulties, but God was in control. I leave the touching of hearts to God. On this day, teacher Lynne surprised me with a very cute (cup)cake. It was so cute that I refused to eat it until the following Sunday.

As I listened to the pastor’s message that Sunday, I carried with me a question: “Lord, what do you see in my heart?” Because it was the second time I asked this question in a span of a few days, the “heart” intrigued me. What is the heart? What does it include?

April 11, Monday, THE Day–Surprise! It was the first day of summer classes and I don’t need to expound how it surprised me. I do want to share two things. First, my sister Ivy, with Arjay, Quinn, Josh and Tyler surprised me in school. They brought with them a choco-moist cake from Iko’s, with a blue candle and a happy birthday song. Second, mom prepared for me a birthday dinner. She invited my aunts, uncles and cousins. They asked me where my visitors were, I said I didn’t know there was dinner! I was indeed surprised.

That ends the series of surprises this week offered. Today, I can sum up the past week in two words–”Grace week.” Indeed, I have been heavily stressed the whole week. Almost wanting to give up something, asking God if I was in the right place, doing the right things. And I do wept about it. I was tired, overwhelmed with the things that needs to be done. Having a melancholic personality, having too many things to do in too little time gets me paralyzed. And that’s just what happened towards the end of the week. “Sabog” is a Filipino word I can describe myself at the end of the week.

Add Colossians 3:23 and people saying “God bless your heart” to the equation and THE question emerges: “what is heart?” David was known to be “a man after God’s own heart.” What does it mean to be “after God’s own heart?” I would like my heart to be like that too.

The week concluded in the GLC Graduation. I graduated. Another manifestation of how far God’s grace is able to take me. Since I still have my questions hanging over my head, I decided it was high time to start a Bible study book I bought last September–A Heart Like His by Beth Moore. It was when I studied the first chapter that I was able to call my week “Grace week.” I realized that I wasn’t trusting God as I should have. I owned my circumstances instead of giving them to God, not surrendering each soul I encounter to the Master Teacher. I have been selfish, thinking more of “what I can and can’t do” rather than offering my all so He can do what He wants to do. I was reminded that God will accomplish what He wants whether or not I’m in the picture.

This week, God provided me opportunities to apply my prayer: That I may be able to live one day at a time, love people encounter-by-encounter, and surrender to Him moment-by-moment. I will be able to do these things by learning how and praying that I would be granted “a heart like His.”

Stubbornly standing by a lie.

Putting a perfectly fitting mask.

It’s cowardice.

Deceiving oneself

That everything will fall into place

Yet knowing deep inside

That things will not be the same

It’s cowardice

Taking up not the responsibility

Facing not the consequences,

Surrendering not.

The cowardly servant failed

To be faithful in small things;

So he can’t be trusted with

Big things.

Forty years they wandered;

Because of disobedience

And stubbornness,

There was a great delay.

So will the lie delay;

Discipline is on it’s way.

Just relax the clutching hand–

Surrender.

Psalm 51

For the director of music. A psalm of David. When the prophet Nathan came to him after David had committed adultery with Bathsheba.

¹ Have mercy on me, O God,
according to your unfailing love;
according to your great compassion
blot out my transgressions.
² Wash away all my iniquity
and cleanse me from my sin.

¹⁸ May it please you to prosper Zion,
to build up the walls of Jerusalem.
¹⁹ Then you will delight in the sacrifices of the righteous,
in burnt offerings offered whole;
then bulls will be offered on your altar. (Psalm 51, New International Version, ©2011)

I grew up in a dysfunctional home. My parents separated when I was about eight years old. Back then, it was not a big deal with me because my set up did not change much, because as a child, I would always be in my grandmother’s house, or my aunt’s house, and very rarely at home.

I grew up as a shy, silent kid. I was content of being alone. I don’t have playmates my age in my grandmother’s place, so I either read or watch TV. Sometimes I would run around the compound all by myself, or play pretend all by myself. In my aunt’s house, I have cousins who were my age bracket. Yes, we would play, but I find myself different from them. Sometimes, I would think their play was too childish for me, or their concerns too unimportant than what’s in my mind. I liked the company of adults better.

With adults, I get different kinds of affirmation. From what I am like, to what I can become. I base who I am to what they say about me. I oftentimes pretend to be playing when in fact I was listening to what they’re saying about me. I act how they described me. I did so because I want to please them. I wanted to please everyone, if I can, especially those older than me. My self-worth was anchored on them being pleased with me and what I do.

I value what other people think so much that I hide my humiliation in silence, quick to wear the mask and pretend that everything’s okay. I dare not ask questions, nor voice out opinions to avoid people getting angry at me. One such instance was in elementary school. One friend was telling me how irritated she was towards someone who didn’t even know the story of the Good Samaritan. I quickly agreed with her, but deep down, I was quick to wear my mask so as to hide my ignorance. At that time, I, too, didn’t know who the good Samaritan was, or what he did to be considered good. Who is a Samaritan? I hid, so as not to see my weakness.

Growing up, I only hear people say good things about me. Therefore, I considered myself “good.” In fact, when I was nine and was asked to list down my sins for Confession (in preparation for the First Communion), I couldn’t think of any! I believed myself to be a good little girl. Shy, yes. But I have done nothing wrong towards others. I was the one who was always being teased, I was the one always wronged. I was as good as an “angel.”

As I grew up, my people-pleasing attitude grew into lots of insecurities. Because my family was very dysfunctional, I had nothing to offer the people around me. I had a very different background from those of my peers. My mom’s insecurities at that time spilled over me. Silence escalated to depression.

Many things happened since then. My very own Pandora’s box was opened. Many questions spilled. Potentials were tapped. I learned how to voice out what’s in my mind, and heart. I developed self-confidence and I learned how to lift the anchor of self-worth from people, to Jesus. I started to get to know Him with the help of other youths and my ates and kuyas in a youth ministry. I got involved in many different works, organized and attended several conferences, even shared my testimony to some.

I spent many years in this ministry. I was able to make friends, build relationships, and help improve the lives of others. My relationship with Jesus grew as well. However, as sincere I strive to be, I confess that there were times that my “people-pleaser attitude” will resurface. I went to this, I did that, to get affirmation. I sometimes valued people’s affirmation more than I should. I had an easier time building relationships with those people older than me, than with my peers or those whom I should have been guiding. At times like that, it was God who help me align my motives, and re-anchor my self-worth on Him.

In one conference, the parable of the prodigal son was expounded–as well as the sins this son has committed. At that time, I really felt I did not belong there for I haven’t really experienced being a prodigal son the way it was defined. I did not drink, smoke, party ’til morning, nor surf the net illicitly. I studied hard, had no boyfriend to distract me. I do, however, relate myself to the older brother. He was the sinner model who fit me. I identified with him more than the younger brother, mainly because of what he said, “Look! For so many years I have been serving you and I have never neglected a command of yours; and yet you have never given me a young goat, so that I might celebrate with my friends; but when this son of yours came, who has devoured your wealth with prostitutes, you killed the fattened calf for him” (Luke 15:29-30). I remember telling some of my ates about this. I remember acknowledging that I was this kind of sinner. However, I cannot remember what I did with this realization. Whether I repented from it or not, my memory fails me.

On the other hand, God, knowing all these things in my heart, purified me. He knew my problem, and the sin in my heart, so He allowed certain things to happen. I experienced being that prodigal son. I did things I previously believed I would never do. Since I firmly believe that God causes everything (as in everything!) to work together for good for those who love Him (and I love Him dearly), I was able to see the big picture. I am grateful that I am that sinner who identifies with the prodigal son as well, because if not, I wouldn’t really have experienced the grace and love the Father offers me. It was when I returned that I was able to comprehend that it’s not what I’ve done but because of who He is; and that it’s not who I am but because of what He’s done for me. I was lost, now found, enjoying my fellowship with my Father. He fills me with joy and gives me peace. Because of Him, I am able to remove all masks of pretentiousness. It is because of Him I am able to love.

I may, from time to time, become that Karla who is “needy” for affirmation from my superiors, and so I pray that God would purify my motives–that I may be sincere in loving Him, and in serving Him; that I would always seek to please Him and Him alone, removing all others in the picture. I may also be able to get hold of one of my masks, and so I pray that God would give me strength to resist hiding in one.

I am Karla, a people-pleaser, selfish, and full of pride–a work in progress towards being only a God-pleaser, selfless and humble.

“For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus… For it is God who is at work in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure.” Philippians 1:6; 2:13

Lost their mother

And they began to cry.

“Oh mother dear,

We love you so!

How can we live

Without your milk?”

A friendly little girl

Picked the three little kittens

And she took them home.

The three little kittens

Received warm milk

And comfy bed to sleep.

But one little kitten

Was a curious little one

And he went alone in the dark.

Another little kitten

Followed his brother

And he went on his own way.

And so the lonely little kitten

All alone on a soft blanket

Began to cry.

The friendly little girl

Heard the lonely little kitten

And went to see how he was.

When she saw two kittens

Out of their bed

She began to look.

She found the first

Hiding in the dark

The second lying on dirt.

She called them out

But no moans came

From the two little kittens.

She went back

to the lonely little kitten

To tell the sad news.

The lonely little kitten

Became much more lonely

And moans are heard no more.

“Then the LORD God said, ‘It is not god for the man to be alone;’” Genesis 2:18a (NASB)

A rubber band is only useful when stretched. A friend of mine said that for my prayer to be answered, I needed more stretching that what I have been getting from work. She was right.

I grabbed this opportunity as a leap of faith. I never expected that it will be the opportunity God will use to teach me how to love like Him. I should have guessed during my time with Him that very first morning. I read Ephesians 3:14-21, which was about Christ’s love. Looking back, I think the Spirit inside me knew it will be difficult and painful all along, for I was crying the whole time I was praying, but my mind didn’t exactly know why. From that prayer to all prayers onwards (except those I led), I allowed myself to be vulnerable before Him and just poured out everything in tears.

As I grow in my faith, 1 Timothy 4:12 has always been a promise I hold on to. “Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith and in purity (NIV),” Paul says to Timothy. Somehow, other forces would tend to pull me away from the comfort and security this verse gives me. These times proved to be very difficult because in these times I become an ineffective servant. However, God won’t allow His purposes not to be fulfilled. He takes care of everyone in His team, He gives all the grace needed to fulfill the task He, Himself, handed on to us. He assured me that He fills me with His grace by reminding me that I was also named “Anna” (it means “Gracious” or “Full of Grace”). He channelled the graces through people who were serving with me. (To these people, I also give you big, big thanks for letting God use you, for praying with me. ^_^)

“Are you still up for it, Karla?” I heard God ask me. “You will experience more of these in the path that you want to take. Do you still want to be my hands and feet?”

And so I answered with tears flowing from my eyes, “I give myself away, Lord, so You can use me. Because my life is not my own, it is Yours, and so I give myself to You. Continue showing me how to love like you. Teach me Your compassion–break my heart for what breaks Yours. For everything I have is for Your kingdom’s cause. I am Yours; I’ll go where You send me.”

I’m not sure how things turned out for the people I was with. For things out of my control, I trust God that He’s the one who touches our individual hearts and allows us to learn His ways, what He wants for our lives.

“Therefore I urge you, brethren, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies a living and holy sacrifice, acceptable to God, which is your spiritual service of worship.” Romans 12:1 (NASB)

Today, I record how God showed me my weaknesses and limitations. He showed me how different I am from Him. He made me know myself better in order to change. He made Himself known better so I can imitate Him. He did these through my students.

Student # 1. David

He is a bright student, always participating during class discussions. He can follow perfectly when it comes to written work, until exams came. He thought he knew the instructions, so he went on with the rest of the exam items ahead of me. I saw it and warned him to wait for me and follow my instructions. I thought he listened and followed. To my disappointment, he did not. I know he knew the answers. In fact, he overdid the exam, that’s why he wasn’t able to give only the correct answers. Sayang.

Then, God said I was just like David. At times, I disregard His instructions too, moving ahead of Him. Thus, I end up doing the wrong things, making the wrong choices. Sayang.

Student #2. Mary

She is an adorable little kid (have you seen one who isn’t?) who needs help when it comes to learning. She likes music, dancing and sharing stories from home. She also likes mimicking me as her teacher, as well as her classmates — to the point of cloaking her lack of understanding. One exam day, I was roaming around to check whether or not they can follow the instructions. I saw her and she was lagging behind. I repeated the instructions to her, again, and again, and again… She would point to the correct answer, but was encircling the other answer she did not point to!  I almost lost my patience. It’s as if she didn’t understand anything! Eventually, she got it, but I almost lost it.

Then, God said I was just like Mary. He can tell me again and again what I needed to do, I would agree that it was the right thing to do, but ending up not doing it. Worse, doing the opposite. God is not anything like me, He would never lose His patience, and would lovingly repeat to me what He wants to be done. He would never get tired of me.

Student #3. Martha

She is the youngest in class. Since the first day of class, she has been crying–a lot. It’s a struggle to get her to come inside the classroom on most mornings. And when we finally made her come to class, we got ready for non-stop crying. We came to develop the technique of not paying attention to her cries, of not consoling her. Because crying was the undesired behavior, it will just get reinforced when we pay attention to it. So, it’s better not to. True enough, she would stop crying after a while, join the class, and laugh with her classmates. One morning, I got tired of her whines (yes, whines). So I asked myself whether or not ignoring her was the best option. I wondered how God would have dealt with her.

Then I realized that I was just like Martha. I too whine at times, and He knows exactly how to deal with me. He knows very much what’s inside me, what I’ve been whining about (unlike I with Martha). He doesn’t need to do trial and error of techniques to know what works best, because He already knows what is best. He knows me very well that He even knows the number of the hair on my head! Am I ever grateful! Only with His grace and guidance will I be able to deal with Martha correctly.

Student #4. Jacob

I remember the first time I met him, he roamed around the room and looked for things he could grab. I never thought that would be the first of many. He has a very short attention span, though he has improved over the months. He caused me much frustration and pain (emotional and physical), but he also caused me to pray more. When people were giving up on him, I know I must not. He challenged (challenges) how I love. Just recently, I reached the end of my string. I was not being firm yet calm, but I was completely irritated. I was tired of his utter disobedience, disregard for authority and hobby of hitting his classmates for no reason at all. I just can’t take it anymore. When it was happening, I was aware of what I was feeling, so I managed to control my actions. I wanted to cry and shout because of frustration, but I didn’t. At the end of the day, I know it wasn’t right.

Then I realized that we, humans, are just like Jacob. We, too, can be disobedient, and we have the natural tendency to hurt others. God must have felt the same emotions, or even stronger. But He handles us differently than how I handled Jacob. God is calm, and slow to anger. I am not (yet). Realizing that, I know what I must become. So, extra grace is needed.

Jesus said that the Law can be summed up with two commandments, that is, to love God with all our heart, soul, and mind and to love our neighbors as ourselves. However, He also told us to love others just as He loved us — unconditional. It is true that through these students I experience more of His love. As a Sunday school teacher (whom I’m learning a lot from) puts it, it is in Sunday school that she learned to love unconditionally–we give the kids (who could really be difficult) our best, yet we cannot expect them to give something back in return.

God accepts us no matter who we are and where we are. But He wouldn’t be satisfied that we remain who and where we are. Because of that, I am never the same Karla every after class.

*Names were changed for the protection and privacy of the children.